A team of Columbia University anthropologists has identified 43 new species of weirdos living in the New York City subway system, according to an Onion report.
These species sound remarkably similar to those observed habitating CTA subway tunnels, including “peculiar creatures [who] groom themselves, feign seizures, nibble on raw kale, scratch the same word exactly 63 times into train car windows, masturbate through their pants, and scream at no one in particular.”
From lead researcher Anita DePalio:
“For example, our team found whole populations of misfits whose elaborate locomotion involves traveling from car to car while peddling vials of scented oils, as well as a new variety of clod who drops peanut shells all over the floor of the 5 train. We even discovered a fascinating subspecies of homeless drunk that not only dances in the absence of music, but also ritualistically urinates off the platform.”
Among the subway weirdos the team encountered, researchers identified several new species within the scuzzbag genus. According to DePalio, scientists catalogued a particularly filthy organism capable of sitting in the corner of a train car for dozens of stops while re-dressing its dirty leg bandages; a new member of the unkempt riffraff family notable for its pronounced outer layer of grime and for clipping its toenails on the platform benches; and an invasive species that resembles the Mediterranean agitated mumbler, but is distinguished by beads of glistening sweat on its neck, thick back hair, and frequent vocalizations of Armenian profanities.
There was no word on whether the Columbia researchers might expand their search to the Chicago subway. If they did, what would they find?