43 new species of subway weirdos found: Onion

A team of Columbia University anthropologists has identified 43 new species of weirdos living in the New York City subway system, according to an Onion report.

These species sound remarkably similar to those observed habitating CTA subway tunnels, including “peculiar creatures [who] groom themselves, feign seizures, nibble on raw kale, scratch the same word exactly 63 times into train car windows, masturbate through their pants, and scream at no one in particular.”

From lead researcher Anita DePalio:

“For example, our team found whole populations of misfits whose elaborate locomotion involves traveling from car to car while peddling vials of scented oils, as well as a new variety of clod who drops peanut shells all over the floor of the 5 train. We even discovered a fascinating subspecies of homeless drunk that not only dances in the absence of music, but also ritualistically urinates off the platform.”

Among the subway weirdos the team encountered, researchers identified several new species within the scuzzbag genus. According to DePalio, scientists catalogued a particularly filthy organism capable of sitting in the corner of a train car for dozens of stops while re-dressing its dirty leg bandages; a new member of the unkempt riffraff family notable for its pronounced outer layer of grime and for clipping its toenails on the platform benches; and an invasive species that resembles the Mediterranean agitated mumbler, but is distinguished by beads of glistening sweat on its neck, thick back hair, and frequent vocalizations of Armenian profanities.

There was no word on whether the Columbia researchers might expand their search to the Chicago subway. If they did, what would they find?

Some of the weirdos found in the New York subway. (The Onion phhoto)

Some of the weirdos found in the New York subway. (The Onion phhoto)


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    this is good fodder for additional humor material...

  • Of course I assume that you, unlike the Chinese propagandists, know what The Onion is.

    But this is not going to happen in Chicago. Nobody is nibbling raw kale, especially if Chicago is a food desert. Kale is too tough to nibble, although I like it sauteed in olive oil (see The Quark in the Road). Maybe CTA riders go to Whole Paycheck Market to get kale chips, but I doubt it.

    Also, CTA and Pace riders don't urinate off the edge of the platform, but in the vehicles. There are not any reports of someone sticking their naked butt over the blue tactile strip and getting rammed by car 5394.

  • Wicker Park hipster; Lincoln Park trixie. And my personal favorite species of weirdo, the Rogers Park blogger.

  • Better be careful what you say about Armenians... This borders on racist-ethnicist smear. Why not just say "unintelligible mumbling that appears to be profanities in some language, maybe native to Aldebaran."

  • In reply to travellinpat:

    Note that it is a block quote, and I'm sure The Onion is real scared.

    I still enjoy their tribute to the the Sept. 11 hijackers in Hell.

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