Yes folks, it’s that time again.
Opening Day at Wrigley Field.
The crack of the bat. The sight of lush grass on the diamond. The smell of onions and beer. The drunk out-of-towner trying to stumble his way to Wrigley on the Red Line.
For that last scenario, here are 10 tips to ease the way on the CTA.
- Don’t block the platform. I often see tourists or CTA newbies clogging up the bottom or top of the stairs on the platform. Move!
- Move down the platform. A corollary to Rule No. 1. Moving down the platform to either end will increase your chances of actually being able to board a train crowded with Cubs fans.
- Move into the center of the car. Don’t be that guy who parks his huge frame in the doorway when there’s room to move down the aisle. And yes, the motorman will wait for all passengers to exit at Addison.
- Hang on to something. A pole. A seat back. Your partner, who is hanging on to a pole. The train *does* tend to lurch around, and sway, and negotiate tight bends. So you will fall, especially if you’re drunk.
- Don’t drink on the train. Yes, we know you will be “pre-gaming” on Division Street or wherever, but don’t bring it on the train. Not only is it illegal, it’s also obnoxious. Especially when you don’t offer me any.
- Don’t be an a**hole and drunkenly mess with other riders who are just trying to get to or from home or work. In fact, we all know you don’t have to mess with them to really be an a**hole. So, just don’t be one.
- Don’t start a fight with riders wearing your opponent’s jersey. Then you would be a special kind of a**hole.
- Be careful of your surroundings. Don’t show your bling, which includes fancy iPhones, iPads, purses or jewelry. They could be gone quicker than you would even notice.
- Don’t be an obnoxious celler. Sure, we know you’re gonna call your buddy who’s already at Bernie’s, but does the whole train car have to know you saw a hot chick at North/Clybourn?
- Know where you’re going. Don’t go the wrong way going home. Or get off at the wrong stop. Or totally miss your stop. Pretend you’re not a tourist and at least know where you are going.
Print this out and live by these rules. Baseball season will be a lot more bearable for all us, especially when the Cubs are 20 games out in August.