Coming To Grips with The Deterioration Of A Relationship

Recently I have had to reconcile with myself that not all the relationships I have been involved with are good for my health.

Image Courtesy of Freedigitalphotos.net

Image Courtesy of Freedigitalphotos.net

It’s a hard pill to swallow when you realize that you have outgrown a pattern of engagement that was once your only foundation.

Acquaintances  come and go, family members die, new friends become old friends and neighbors become your reliable lifeline.  As teenagers we try on new people, we work to figure out what fits. This is the time in our life when we learn what we like, what we don’t like, and what we are willing to tolerate.

As adults we are expected to have this figured out, but seldom do we. Perhaps many fool themselves into thinking that they have it all together, eliminating the bad, forging ahead with the the good and conscious of each relationship choice.  Those who admit to making mistakes, past and present, regarding healthy relationships, are being vulnerable.  Those who claim to have mastered the skill are simply lying to themselves and others.

Yet, what if the foundation of who we are, the core of our being, is based in historical patterns of interaction that we had no control over? This is much more difficult to overcome, and if you try to fool yourself long enough in believing it does not affect you, then you are destined to have it come back and bite you in the ass.

Image Courtesy of Freedigitalphotos.net

Image Courtesy of Freedigitalphotos.net

So now that I have the mental flexibility to review my choices and the comfort to delve into my own vulnerability I have a confession to make.  All this time, for so long, I have tried to put a label on my past in order to feel in control of it.  I have played doctor and diagnosed others in an effort to remove myself from dangerous patterns.  I see now that I was attempting at detachment.

The detachment efforts, however,  were not healthy and did not help.  I now know that there is no label I can put on the past and the only diagnosis necessary for healthy detachment is my own.  I am co-dependent.  This reality is difficult to face and, believe me, if there was a “hard pill to swallow” for this one, I would take it.  Unfortunately there is not.

The work necessary is all mine to do and I am grateful for the clarity.  As I read a book on co-dependence by Melody Beattie, CoDependent No More, I find her words wise, sage and palatable.  I am inspired by what she says and see myself, my relationships and my choices in her work.  I see a light at the end of a long dark tunnel.

Beatty makes a comment about detachment that I have created into a mantra for myself, (I am paraphrasing here) ‘healthy detachment is not removing yourself from the person you love, but rather removing yourself from the agony of engagement.’

Image Courtesy of Freedigitalphotos.net

Image Courtesy of Freedigitalphotos.net

I will repeat this as often as necessary, do the work I need to in order to create healthier relationships and know that I am strong enough to stand on my own, finally.

 

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