Things I lost in a drunken haze.

Things I lost in a drunken haze.
Lost in the haze.

It doesn’t seem right but here is a shocker. Other people are hurt in this whole alcoholism thing. Please note the sarcasm in the first sentence. Of course you hurt others. Sometimes the harm can be undone. Sometimes those relationships go away forever. Even friendships you thought would last forever go away. I will be honest it is a bit of a bummer because alcoholism is a disease. Would you unfriend someone because they have cancer? I sure hope not.

I try not to let broken relationships affect me but sometimes I get sad, bitter, and/or angry. Then I think of how I was pissed at my dad for his alcoholism. I feel like it is the most common reaction but it is sometimes directed at the disease more than the person. Sometimes it is directed at the person. I understand the anger. I know that makes my initial statement regarding anger antithetical. I just can understand both sides.

I am not suggesting I am any kind of martyr because of lost friendships, none of us are perfect. I just wish that today they could see I am 191 days sober. By the way I am going to try to include that number in every post. Some might find hope in that. Anyway, some people just grow apart. Just know that the person you know who is an alcoholic is not the same person they are when sober. I find hope in the things I did not lose.

I could have lost everything and everyone. I could have lost my fiancee and step-kids. I am lucky I didn’t. We laugh so much and I could not imagine life without that laughter. I betrayed the trust of my best friend when I drank all of his liquor while house sitting but he is still there for me, even if he lives in The Netherlands now. There are lifelong friends I also did not lose. They celebrate every sober day with me. There was a time I lost hope in myself when they did not lose hope. Sometimes I needed their hope to get me through some days.

I know this seems like a bummer of a post so let me end on a high note.

I have everything that means the world to me. I woke up this morning which I celebrate everyday. I share love with my fiancee. The step-kids love me even if they don’t say it. I know they do because they let me stick around and make me laugh and I am proud of the everyday. I still have friends. This pandemic has made hanging out impossible but I look forward to hanging out sober with them when we can. I can give them my full self, my sober self. I have the opportunity to make new friends. I have a farm lot of animals that I love, yes even the cats. I get to write this blog. It helps me so much. It is a therapy. In rehab they say writing a journal helps. This is my very public journal.

If you are out there and you need help here is a list of resources:

AA meeting online registry – https://aa-intergroup.org/oiaa/meetings/

SAMHSA Substance Abuse and Mental Health Assistance- https://www.samhsa.gov/

I wish you well, My name is Patrick

Lost in a haze.

Lost in a haze.

and I am a recovering alcoholic.

Filed under: alcohol

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