I am back after a couple years I lost my inspiration for writing. I am back now because of the above revelation. I have been dealing with this issue for about 3 -4 years now. Sorry when you drink heavily your memories are fuzzy or non existent. This is my story.
I remember after a surgery I ran out of pain medication. I also lived with undiagnosed depression, anxiety, and PTSD. I remembered one thing that took all of my sorrows and woes away and that was booze. I started with whatever we had in the house until it was all gone. Then I had a plan to go to my local liquor store and replenish what I drank with cheap liquor. While I was there i noticed these tiny shot sized bottles that cost a dollar. Of course, I didn’t care about the taste I just wanted the desired affect. Which I got.
The following years were a downward spiral. I was spending more than I could afford on booze. My fiancee and I have separate bank accounts so it was easy to hide what I was spending. My dad is an alcoholic and I swore that would never happen to me. So I didn’t even consider what I was embarking on. It started off innocently enough but when you are constantly in a drunken haze you don’t really see reality. You lie first to yourself and then to everyone else.
I would make a plan the night before about how I would get more booze. For awhile I was able to get things done or at least I thought I was. That was another lie I was telling myself. I finally got a therapist but I never really told her the truth because in my drunk mind, there was nothing wrong. Eventually I would come clean and she and my psychiatrist helped with my mental state but not the alcoholism. I didn’t want to quit drinking at that time. The monster in my head would not allow me to quit.
I wasn’t myself when I was drunk. I was mean, I lied all the time, and I wasn’t there for people when they needed me. Then guilt fueled my drinking, I found so many reasons to drink. Sure I went to AA and some treatment programs but when you do those things drunk what is the point.
I put a wedge between my fiancee and I. That is my biggest regret. This woman I love and I was breaking every promise to her. I would gaslight her by convincing her that I was not drunk but either my diabetes or MS were the cause of my appearance. I hate that I did that. I hate that I lost the respect of my step kids and my family. I hated looking at the me in the mirror. I avoided it. If I did not look in the mirror then I did not see the mess I was.
I stopped doing the things I loved to do. I stopped doing stand up and playing ukulele. I fucking needed help but for so long I did not want help. That is until I was kicked out and on my unstable last legs with my love. I need to change. I WANTED to finally change. I started hating myself every day. I would punish myself and try to focus my inner pain elsewhere. I started to cut myself. Never in a way to commit suicide, although alcohol was killing me slowly. I did not want to die. I didn’t want to lose everyone I loved. I finally wanted to change.
I went to Gateway in Aurora for 30 days. They treated my alcoholism and my mental state. I spent many lonely days wondering how I let it get so bad. It was difficult not being home but I was getting the help I needed with people just like me with many addictions. After 30 days I was ready to conquer again with my one in a million girl. All is not forgotten but she hasn’t given up on me.
As of today I am 123 days sober. There is no stopping me. I get cravings every now and then but I use the tools I learned in treatment to get pass them. I also think of all I have to lose and alcohol is not and never has been worth it. I am offering my service to those in need or if you know anyone, I am not a professional but I know the struggle is real. I want to be there for those who need it. I have a plan to go back to school to be a drug and alcohol counselor. I want to pay the universe back for giving me time to find myself.
To the ones in need you are not alone. It is baby steps one day at a time. I wish you peace.
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