I have begun therapy

I have begun therapy
Looking for the answers to the unasked questions in my head

I used to say that comedy was therapy for me. I was convinced it was all I needed. That is until I realized it wasn’t all I needed. I won’t get into specifics because that is what I’m paying a therapist for but I’m not the best me I can be. That is a result of pushing my issues so far deep down that the pressure cooker is well beyond done.

I’m such a sterotypical comedian.

Oh such a surprise a comedian needs therapy.

I didn’t know what to expect though I knew once we started talking what the focus would be on. I have dad issues. I don’t usually speak of it because living in a perfect world utopia is just fine with me. My dad meant well I believe some part of him exists that means well but he is an alcoholic and while there physically he wasn’t there emotionally. I only had one parenting role model and she did great but I never learned how to be a dad or a father or a papa or even a decent step father.

I think I’m doing a pretty swell job but I know I can do better. I’m committed to doing better. I have put off therapy in the past because I always believed I was invincible and “fine” what ever that means. I think coming to grips with being an actual adult has been more difficult than I give it credit. Sometimes the most adult thing someone can do is throw their pride into the fire and just get better.

The first session went well. I was nervous. I will be nervous for many more sessions to come. It was an easy first session just speaking about mine and my family history. I know beginning with my next session shit will get real. My therapist is cool. She is the kind of therapist I need. She will let me be funny. She asked all the right questions. She asked me for my favorite song so she can get an idea of what kind of music inspires and speaks to me.

I chose Walk by Foo Fighters. Truth is I have many favorite songs. It was just the one I can think of at the time. It seems to tell my story so far. Dave Grohl doesn’t know me nor my story but with diabetes, cancer, multiple sclerosis, and newly diagnosed siezures the following lyric speaks to me.

“I never wanna die
I never wanna die
I’m on my knees, I never wanna die
I’m dancing on my grave
I’m running through the fire
Forever, whenever
I never wanna die
I never wanna leave
I’ll never say goodbye”

I used to think I was never afraid to die. Lately I have realized that I can’t predict my end. I can’t live in fear of something that might happen a long time from now. I’m not afraid to die and this song is a reminder. I like my therapist she’s cool. She is the type of therapist I need. I don’t know what the answers are. I don’t even really know what the questions are. I do know I’m searching for answers and that is a step in the right direction.

Here is the video for Walk if you are not familiar with it.

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