Playboy Is Getting Rid Of Nude Pictorials And The Teen In Me Is Crying

Playboy Is Getting Rid Of Nude Pictorials And The Teen In Me Is Crying
Image courtesy of Tribune Media

Playboy, the first magazine to feature naked women, announced that starting in March 2016 their pictorials will no longer be nude. Playboy is/was a rite of passage for many a young man and I’m sure young women. For many of us it was the first time we saw a naked girl. Scott Flanders, it is difficult not to picture Ned Flanders from The Simpsons, stated “You’re now one click away from every sex act imaginable for free. And so it’s just passé at this juncture.” As true as that is Playboy is a gateway for curiosity without worry of computer viruses or pop up ads.

Many will recall their first experience with Playboy. I remember going to my neighbor’s house and he found his dad’s stash. We were limited on time because his mom went to the store and could have been home at any time. So we sat and tried to figure out which magazines we should look at to make the most of our time.

We were giddy. We giggled our way through it because we were pre-teens looking at naked women. We were too young to have feelings, you know, down there. We were old enough to know not to do it but young enough to giggle nervously. We looked through a few before my friend go worried and put them away. After that it was like him and I needed our fix. Anytime his mom left us alone we would find more and our eyes would pop out of our skulls and our jaws would hit the floor.

As puberty hit nudity became no laughing matter. I needed to find a way to get my visual drug but I was too young and the Internet was still in its infancy. Many my age remember the 56k modem days of 10-12 hours needed to download one photo only to lose connection or to find that woman had clothes on. Clothes on? What the bleep! I bleeped myself because I didn’t swear at that age. So many teens dodging ads that would pop up as they feverishly tried to close each one in some kind of twisted video game.

Before I had access to Playboy I would feed my masturbatory monster by stealing department store catalogues from the Sunday paper. Honestly when you first discover your penis is not just for peeing there isn’t much that wouldn’t get you off. I remember seeing women in bras big enough they seemed to be shirts by today’s standard and using my imagination to remove the underwear and let the magic happen.

Most around my age who had cable also remember the scrambled porn channels which you could hear and even sometimes see the action without paying for porn channels. Watching scrambled porn channels may have damaged my eyes forever. All boys and some women should have to go through these rough times before they can fully appreciate the art of pornography.

Ha ha I called it art. It is art like a soup can of soup next to a rubber duck is a sculpture protesting freedom of religion. I’ll never understand why some porn mags or porn films needed stories or scripts. I don’t care why the couple, group, or town were about to do “it” just get to the doing it. Fast forwarding was tedious.

I do have a fast forwarding story. Me and a pal found his dad’s porn video stash and decided to watch it. We were so worried about getting caught we fast forwarded through the whole video even the sex scenes. It scarred us for awhile. Sex that fast looked uncomfortable and painful. No one should have sex at such a speed. Some may finish within a minute like the dude in the scenes we fast forwarded through but that is okay it happens to everyone yadda yadda.

So what now for Playboy? The magazine will still feature women in provocative poses but without nudity. Now when people say they read Playboy for the articles it really will be for the articles. This is a sad day for all teens, men, and some women. Sure there is porn for any occasion available for free on the internet but the mystique will take a hit.

Playboy is making a selfish decision. This will certainly affect the partially black plastic magazine mailing packaging industry. No doubt these companies will fail and fold. The economy will worsen. The world will need porn to get through these times of trouble.

Here is the “old man” soap box rant. Teens today can find whatever weird circus porn their into with a simple Google search and the right key words, the right keywords are important! It shouldn’t be that easy. Porn is supposed to be a hidden treasure in your or your neighbor’s dad’s closet. It is supposed to be poorly hidden calling out to you until you can’t resist. Getting caught be damned I need to look at fake boobs and heavily airbrushed vaginas!

Playboy will no longer provide that. Now it is just the remnants of trees that died in vain.

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