Game of Thrones Season 7 Premiere: Battle of the Battle Maps

I’ve said it once, and I’ll say it again: this show has always been about the Battle Maps. S/He who has the second best map will take all–you heard it here first. Why second best, you ask? Because s/he who devotes too much energy to getting the best map is clearly focused on the wrong things. Obvi. So anyway, what a treat it was to get 1.5 more war maps in this episode!
Up first: Cersei’s map (still under construction)
Cersei’s first order as the Queen of the Seven Kingdoms–nay, “Three Kingdoms, at best” (high five, Jaime)–was to order this giant map mural apparently. I hope this is just the first layer/skeleton of the map because this one is kind of weak, resembling those U.S. maps on school playgrounds with the states delineated and a star where the state capitals reside. You know…the one next to the Four Square court and hopscotch set-up. Cersei’s map lacks color, depth…actually, it could use a contouring lesson from a Kardashian.
Next: Daenarys’ hijacking of Stannis’ old war map, which was incredible. This is the 0.5 map part of the 1.5 new maps count earlier. Only the owner is new. She and Tyrion are at the helm now, and here’s hoping that Tyrion’s first suggestion as the Hand will be “more wooden figurines” for the battle map.
Other scattered thoughts and sundries:
  • Guesses as to what Euron’s “priceless” gift to Cersei will be? Daenerys’ head on a stick? Arya’s head on a stick? Sansa’s head on a stick? Someone’s head will be on a stick. Mark my words.
  • “Dinn-isty” is the dumbest sounding British pronunciation of a word since “shhhhhhhedule”
  • In a fine reversal of roles, Arya has turned into a sociopathic murderer, and the Hound is growing a heart
  • Sansa is worrisome. She is going to screw Jon over somehow this season, perhaps unintentionally
  • I find the Lannisters’ (Cersei/Jaime) dialogues much sharper and more interesting than Jon/Sansa Stark. The content is somewhat similar, but the Lannisters are way more interesting to watch. I’m thinking it’s because Jon/Sansa are portrayed by mediocre actors.
  • The Ironborn being described as “bitter, “angry,” “little,” and “unattractive.” The equivalent of “basket of deplorables,” if you will.
  • Lady Mormont for Prez! Mormont/Biden 2020!
  • Tormund + Brienne = <3
  • -1 The montage of Samwell’s daily drudgery of projectile excrement from all exit routes of the human body went on two minutes too long
  • +1 to Brienne for speaking exactly what was on my mind at the time with, “Why is he still here?” re: Littlefinger
  • +1 to Jaime for his response to Cersei: “Seven Kingdoms? Three Kingdoms — at best.”
  • +1 to The Hound for making fun of Thoros’ Man Bun
  • -1 For the appearance of Jorah’s creepy arm and maintaining his creepy devotion to Dany. Eww and ick, respectively.
  • On the HBO After the Show interview with the showrunners, David Benioff describes the quiet, final scene in which Dany finally reaches Westeros and starts setting up shop. He starts on how, “dialogue would have ruined the scene because of…” and I can’t tell you how disappointed I was when he didn’t continue with “…Emilia Clarke’s godawful acting.”

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Tags: game of thrones, maps

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