Game of Thrones S7E3: a finger in the bum is worth two in the bush

Daenerys is the worst.

Ser Davos is the best.

Missandei is Daenerys’ most trusted advisor? I thought she was her most trusted braider and bather. Then what is Tyrion? I’m so confused.

Tyrion’s devotion to Daenerys is rather peculiar. He seems desperate, latching onto something, someone, for some sense of identity since he decided he can’t latch onto his vile siblings’ path. At least he helps Jon with the dragonstone pipeline.

Euron looks like Joshua Jackson (Hi Pacey!) but that doesn’t excuse his dropping the Worst Line of the Episode, the phrase that titles this recap. GoT writers: why?

Cersei needs a new stylist and a confidante who isn’t afraid to tell her that she needs a new look. Prince’s yes-man entourage who failed to inform Prince that it would be a bad career move to change his name to an unpronounceable symbol: I’m looking at you. Wear some color, remove the shoulder pads, grow out the the little page boy/cropped haystack coiff, stop grimacing and speaking through clenched teeth. And don’t slouch, elbows off the table! She looks like the chronically constipated (…or is that just Euron’s finger stuck up there) love child of Maleficent and Lady Gaga right now.

Meera who dragged Bran, like, hundreds of miles through snow and evil gets virtually no props from anyone. She probably got a bowl of bran (sorry I had to) and a bath, but she deserves a statue, parade, and holiday named after her.

I hope Jorah joins Jon’s camp and ditches the loser camp at Dragonstone. That won’t happen, but I can dream. Separately, I’m pretty sure half of Jorah’s attractiveness is in the leather cuff/bracelet he has going on. Even with the greyscale. Even with that grody, bacteria-laden linen tunic that has never been washed. What a dreamboat.

Sansa and Bran reunite. Sansa weeps. Littlefinger lurks. Bran seems unfazed. As am I. He’s still the most boring story line of the show. I know that’ll change, but can we please just get there already?

Sam is punished for saving Jorah without permission. Sam, the young, fictional version of GRRM: hero and somehow still a victim blah blah blah we get it. Actually, now that I’m reminded. His dad’s about due to drop by soon and bully him some more.

Lady Olenna is the one who poisoned Joffrey. “Duh. Squared,” as Rayanne Graff would say. Olenna wins the Best Line of the Episode with, “[Joffrey] really was a cunt, wasn’t he?”

Jon Snow seems so normal, the only relatable one of the major players, amirite? This must be deliberate on the part of the writers, which leads me to fear that he will ultimately lose and die (again). omg is he the HRC of this story?!

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Tags: game of thrones, recaps

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