Apple iWatch: Russian Doll Edition

So, you guys do realize the iWatch is but a mini iPhone which is a mini iPad Mini which is literally a mini iPad which has its own mini version via the iPad Air which is a mini Macbook Air which is a mini Macbook, right?

In other words, Apple has been re-releasing the same product but in different sizes for the last ten years, and each year we just buy new cute little cases and pay a little more for it. It’s all kind of brilliant and sad at the same time.

I’ll bite when Apple sells the entire suite in a Russian nesting doll collection.

In Russia, doll plays you.


Separately, other things I wonder about:

1) The thousands of people — who are not in the industry — who live-tweet Apple Event Days. Does anyone actually work for a living anymore?

2) Sell-side analysts who are quoted in Wall Street and tech news blogs estimating the market size of the just-announced product. They are always wrong and yet news writers insist on finding someone to quote on this.

3) Apple is sitting on tons of cash that it will not repatriate for fear of paying taxes on it. This is effed up, America, because America needs that tax money. Not Apple’s fault, but it is the fault of global tax rules and loopholes and incentives that encourage this. Side note on a side note: corporate inversions should be banned for the same reason.

4) Media that quote gross margins per product, when an operating or even net margin comparison is far more relevant for any product on earth, pretty much. Gross profits only look at sales and the variable costs of goods sold (this means primarily raw materials, limited service costs). Operating margins consider that plus overhead including importantly, advertising and salary costs. Particularly for consumer goods, like a gold iWatch, these can be huge. It also accounts for depreciation, which in the tech world is big, given how short product life cycles are.

5) I’m definitely gonna judge which of my friends obtains this first run of Apple Watches. It reeks of “I have no personality, so I bought this Apple Watch to have something to talk about.”

6) Longer term I could see this thing taking off. Phones are getting absurdly big and I wouldn’t mind splitting up functions into a couple more bite-sized devices, rather than the one gargantuan one.

7) I’d like to see Apple do the following:

  • Smaller smart-watch (like one suitable for women, perhaps? I guarantee no female will buy this version), sacrificing functionality, and a return to the flip phone. Everything should be small enough to fit in a woman’s front jeans pocket without impeding mobility
  • Merge iTunes and Apps so that the final app is solely a stripped down marketplace to purchase entertainment/apps. Kill the playlist management and iTunes radio and music/media management aspects. iTunes is so goddamn bloated and it’s a pain to transfer files via hardwire (I mean transfer by USB, rather than wifi). I’m happy to use VLC player/Spotify for all those other things instead.
  • iPhone 7 should be iPhone 6 but at the size of iPhone 5
  • On the iPhone, allow a quick click (rather than a press and hold, which powers off) on the power button to immediately kill the app you’re currently in and take you to the home screen
  • Stop enabling Bluetooth every time I update iOS
  • Repatriate profits to the U.S. and pay proper corporate taxes

8) If the watch takes off, I think Apple will have to thank FitBit for breaking ground and making wearable technology socially acceptable in public (as opposed to existing solely in, say, the Google lab space where Google Glass was cooked up or reddit headquarters). Mad props to FitBit actually — I really thought its product would fail. However, notably, I also thought the iPad, Twitter, skinny jeans, sheepskin boots, and Crocs would fail. Who wants me to join their venture capital team?!

Dick Tracy knew what was up all along.

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Filed under: Uncategorized

Tags: apple, marketing, markets, reviews

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