5 Reasons Springing Forward is a Steaming Pile of Excrement

Sometime around 2am Sunday, we lost an hour of our day by springing forward, thus fulfilling our commitment to perhaps the stupidest fucking practice dutifully executed by the human race: Daylight Savings Time. Yes, we vaporized an hour of sleep that all people–babies, teens, millennials, parents, and KellyAnne Conway–could surely have used so our precious sun... Read more »

Movie Theaters are Awesome Again

Holy shit, have you been to the movies lately? If you haven’t, you gotta go. Now! Movie theaters are awesome again. Hang up on your grandma. Pinch it off, and finish dropping a deuce later. Tell your 5th grader to finish her essay on Ancient Egyptian Mummification on her own. If your local theater still has... Read more »

Forgetting the Dead is Worse than Screwing Up Best Picture

Today the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences announced that the PricewaterhouseCoopers employees who pulled the wrong envelope for Best Picture will not be invited back to the Oscars. “We have spent last night and today investigating the circumstances, and will determine what actions are appropriate going forward,” the Academy said on Tuesday before... Read more »

5 Reasons Liberals Need to Calm the Hell Down About Bill Maher

Apparently Bill Maher broke the ultra-liberal, ironclad Don’t Hurt Our Feelings code by having the audacity to interview a conservative lightening rod on his show. Maher extended an invitation to the Internet’s top troll, Milo Yiannopoulos, to appear on Real Time with Bill Maher, and social media had a heart attack. In addition, long-time friend of the show... Read more »

No, John McCain is Not a Maverick Again

Donald Trump proposes an import tax on U.S. businesses relocated to Mexico, and Senator John McCain calls the proposal “insane.” Trump calls the recent military raid on Yemen, which cost the lives of a Navy SEAL and numerous Yemeni civilians, a success, and Senator McCain grumbles, “While many of the objectives of the recent raid... Read more »

That Time My Son Shat His Bed Just To Be A Dick

You’re an idiot if you count on your children to stay potty-trained without any setbacks. Take it from me…an idiot. I’m a very black and white thinker, so I expect that following each milestone my kids will stay atop the mountain and never look back. For example, after my kids took their first steps then... Read more »

What To Expect When You Fly With Kids

Traveling with children is an ordeal. Home life can be challenging enough, but taking the show on the road is a different animal altogether. Packing their shit takes weeks, and it’s not just clothes you have to worry about. It’s snacks, lovies, car seats, toys, sippy cups, and electronics, among other things. These items, along with... Read more »

My Son Is 99.999 Percent Potty Trained

Since my last post about potty-training, we’ve made great strides with my 3-year-old. All it took was a lot of pain and some sphincter relaxation. To recap, my son’s been pishing in the toilet (and on our grass) for months now. My wife dedicated a weekend to potty-training boot camp. She confined our boy and herself... Read more »

Remembering The Worst First Night of Hanukkah

It’s a wrap. Hanukkah 2015 is in the books, and all things considered, it was a success. My children were grateful* for their presents, my oldest son made gifts for us, and he even actively participated in the rituals, lighting the candles each night without setting our house and neighborhood ablaze. Despite my hangups with... Read more »

Five Signs It's Thanksgiving Time

The weather has thrown a bit of a wrench in my post. As I write this, we are experiencing the heaviest first-snow-of-the-season on record. Naturally, the local media is treating snowfall in Chicago–located 2,882 miles north of the equator with an average annual snow accumulation of 50+ inches–as a 9/11, Paris, Pearl Harbor, Hotel Rwanda,... Read more »
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    Chocolate Diapers

    I am a vitamin D-deficient former Floridian--who, despite the spring...er...extended winter--loves Chicago. I contradicted convention (and common sense) by moving FROM the beach to the Midwest, but Lou Malnati's and any Italian beef sandwich reinforce that I made the right decision. I also got a wife and two sons out of it, and I would do anything for my family, except miss a Miami Hurricanes football game. This is my take on fatherhood. You can contact me at david.telisman@gmail.com. Thank you for reading!

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