Category: Parenting

My Monologue While Showering My Son

Privacy, like a third nipple, is an aberration in my house. My kids only allow it by accident. If I’m granted five good minutes to remove my ear hair, it’s because my older son is lost in a Minecraft day dream or my 4-year-old has paused to pee on the carpet in his room. It’s... Read more »

5 Ways My Kids Are Always Interrupting

There is nothing more important than my children. Just ask them. No need actually, because they’ll interrupt you before you can finish your question. Whatever idea, thought, question, declaration or bodily function they formulate is critical and must be expressed now. Percolating, marinating, chewing over be damned! Like Donald Trump’s tweets, they exercise no impulse-control.... Read more »

My Son Is 99.999 Percent Potty Trained

Since my last post about potty-training, we’ve made great strides with my 3-year-old. All it took was a lot of pain and some sphincter relaxation. To recap, my son’s been pishing in the toilet (and on our grass) for months now. My wife dedicated a weekend to potty-training boot camp. She confined our boy and herself... Read more »

How To Protect Your Balls From Your Children

Children inevitably go for your balls. They don’t mean to hurt you because they don’t yet understand all that your balls encompass. It’s difficult for them not to batter you since kids spend about a year of their life at eye-level with your nuts, and they move with the grace of the Tasmanian Devil. It’s... Read more »

Now That My Son is Potty-Trained, Life Is More Difficult

Once again the game has changed in Casa del Telisman. Our youngest is out of diapers and now does his business in the toilet and on the floor. My wife spent her day off putting him through potty-training boot camp. I would have done the same except I didn’t want to. She succeeded with the... Read more »

7 Ways Parenting is Like Pledging a Fraternity

I pledged and was initiated into the Sigma Alpha Mu fraternity at the University of Miami. My fraternity days were great because I had no responsibility and all the freedom in the world.  Fast forward 20 years, and parenting could not be a more antithetical experience. But leave it to me to find some similarities.... Read more »

Stupid Answers to Stupid BabyCenter.Com Questions

BabyCenter.Com is an excellent resource for parents and those who are expecting. The site is chock-full of content from doctors, scientists, professors and other experts in the field to help navigate the complexities of pregnancy and child-rearing. Then there are the forums called Mom Answers, which is where nose-dives from Catcher In the Rye... Read more »

Lying is Good for Kids

Children are fucking liars and apparently it’s normal and good. Research shows that young kids who lie have higher IQ’s and that early lying proficiency (that’s a thing) correlates with strong social skills. That means that my son is equal parts Stephen Hawking without the body atrophy and Bill Clinton. Despite this, it feels like... Read more »

How I Know The Terrible Two's Have Arrived

Out of nowhere, our ever agreeable younger son has become insolent and stubborn. I understand it’s biological, and I should be well-equipped to deal with it, having experienced this phase with our other kid. But does he have to have so much fun with it? Here’s how I know the Terrible Two’s have arrived: He... Read more »

Three Ways My Two-Year-Old is a Danger to Himself and Us

Everyone always talks about the most dangerous places in the world, and the consensus is: Detroit The Brooklyn Water Bagel parking lot in Delray Beach at lunchtime Detroit at night Anywhere on the African continent I’m adding one to the list: My house because of my two-year-old. Below are three ways my two-year-old is a... Read more »
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    Chocolate Diapers

    I am a vitamin D-deficient former Floridian--who, despite the winter--loves Chicago. I contradicted convention (and common sense) by moving FROM the beach to the Midwest, but Lou Malnati's and any Italian beef sandwich reinforce that I made the right decision. I also got a wife and two sons out of it, and I would do anything for my family, except miss a Miami Hurricanes football game. This is my take on fatherhood. You can contact me at Thank you for reading!

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