Movie Theaters are Awesome Again

Holy shit, have you been to the movies lately?

If you haven’t, you gotta go. Now! Movie theaters are awesome again.

Hang up on your grandma.

Pinch it off, and finish dropping a deuce later.

Tell your 5th grader to finish her essay on Ancient Egyptian Mummification on her own.

If your local theater still has fabric seats and sticky, gum-stained floors, then it’s time to get out of 2015, move to a better neighborhood, or both, because here’s what you’re missing:

Seats that Recline with Tables that Swivel
I’ve always marveled at First Class accommodations on airlines and envied the passengers fortunate enough to luxuriate in space-age, pod-like seating with an all-you-can eat and drink buffet. Well, for about $1,236 less, you can experience that kind of royal treatment at an AMC, Regal Cinema, ArchLight, or We Caress Your Taint movie theater. Seats are leatherish, they recline better than the best Lazy Boy, they have cup holders suitable for a Dixie cup or Big Gulp, and have Goddamn swivel tables. The seats are so big, they completely swallow my 8-year-old, who I can’t even see sitting next to me. Did I mention the faux wood floors that are kinder to your feet than the older East German-inspired cement? And you can reserve your seats. You can reserve them! Fan Fucking Dango lets you reserve your seats!

Full Menu and Bar
Folks, they have gone all out. They didn’t stop at seats that succor your tushy, tired legs and aching back. You can now dine at the movies, and not just on fake buttery popcorn and Twizzlers. Theaters are equipped with kitchens that serve pulled pork, chicken and burgers. Besides Sierra Mist, you can wash your food down with craft beer, a Chianti, or Makers Mark. You also have the option of purchasing a meal deal that will set you back a month, but that’s why we sneak in candy. My son loves Airheads Xtremes, which come in bite-sized pieces that look like hits of acid if you were tripping on acid.


A.M. Cinema
AMC are geniuses. Their A.M. Cinema (I see what you did there, you clever bastards!) program offers tickets for $4 and $6 dollars, meaning I can take my son to a first run film for a total of $8, which beats the shit out of matinee prices. The only catch is that you have to go the movies in the morning, and that’s fine because my children don’t know the meaning of sleeping in. We roll out of bed and go to the movies. It’s their version of a wake and bake.

Never-Ending Previews
Growing up, we always said the best part of the movie was the previews. They are essentially microfilms, and in most cases are better than the actual feature length films themselves. In recent years, they’ve made the best part last even longer. Previews are literally 30 minutes now and reveal every single upcoming film for the foreseeable future. They are no longer coming soon, but rather Christmas 2018, Spring 2025, and Summer of my osteoporosis. Fast and The Furious 40, starring Vin Diesel’s great grandson, looks pretty badass. Suri Cruise battling terrorists on The International Space Station (something her dad never did) in Mission Impossible: We’ve Run Out of Cool Adjectives and Nouns–now we’re talking.

The only problem is that my son wants me to commit to taking him to every film that is out and in production. I have such a good time that is it’s going to be hard to say no.


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    Chocolate Diapers

    I am a vitamin D-deficient former Floridian--who, despite the winter--loves Chicago. I contradicted convention (and common sense) by moving FROM the beach to the Midwest, but Lou Malnati's and any Italian beef sandwich reinforce that I made the right decision. I also got a wife and two sons out of it, and I would do anything for my family, except miss a Miami Hurricanes football game. This is my take on fatherhood. You can contact me at Thank you for reading!

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