Dear Donald, Sorry about the carpet stains. Regards, Barack.

Dear Donald,

Sorry about the carpet stains. We’d a smooth ride with Bo, but Sunny had her own idea about what was outside and what wasn’t, and apparently the area near your new office was – at least for pooping purposes. If I saw her heading that way, I’d catch her. But she could outrun even the fastest Secret Service guys and then, well, the shit didn’t as much hit the fan as hit the floor. I kept a bottle of OxiClean handy and that seemed to do the trick, but you might want to think about changing that carpet at some stage over the next four years. You’ll just be here for four, right?

Official White House Photo, Pete Souza

Dear Donald…..
Source: Official White House Photo, Pete Souza

Also look out for the second window on the right of the desk, the one behind me in the photo – it sticks so you need to give it a good bang. As in thump. The Secret Service guys get angsty about open windows, but trust me, you’ll be glad of some fresh air in the Oval Office from time to time. Like when the staff canteen makes vegetarian chilli after a bumper crop of beans from the White House kitchen garden.

Little tip – I found watching the ‘The West Wing‘ a huge help if I wasn’t sure what to do in any given situation. Martin Sheen was great about being woken up at 2 am if I was looking for a particular line or phrase. I kept a mirror in the bottom drawer of my desk so I could watch an episode on my phone, then practise the necessary facial expression before the joint chiefs of staff arrived. Never managed the jacket flip ‘though, much to my regret.

I’m going to touch on a sensitive subject, but someone’s gotta address the elephant in the room. So hey Donald, are you not allowing Melania and Barron to live in the White House straight off because you don’t want to be billed for their food and toothpaste? Listen I know it’s all got that little extra added on – I mean, $10 for a small tube of Colgate – but you know the system. Let’s face it, you’re living in a hotel already – don’t tell me you don’t do the same. But I get that at least there, you’re also the one getting the little extra.

Well, newsflash, that’s what the salary’s for, you know the one you’ve said you’re only going to take $1 from each year. But we all make comments in campaigns we never expect to have to keep, so I’ve had a chat with the IRS guys, and apparently you don’t have to claim the salary, but you can write off the rest against your living expenses here. They can’t say that officially, but apparently a good tax lawyer will know what to do. You have a good tax lawyer, don’t you?

So move Melania and Barron in right away, even if the Golden Nuggets cereal bill is going to run a little higher than normal (I’m guessing that’s what Barron eats). Everyone loves to see a First Lady in the First House and believe me, you’ll have enough chaos those first few weeks without having to decide on a lunch menu for 500. I know you might have been thinking Ivanka could stand in, but that’s a non-starter. We like Ivanka, we’re going to be neighbours for heaven’s sake, but if Ivanka starts off the job and then Melania comes in, won’t that make her Second First Lady? Or just Second Lady? And let’s face it, you don’t like coming second.

Well, that’s about it. Apart from the usual –  try to avoid starting a nuclear holocaust, ruining the economy, or completely dividing the country. Anyone else I would have advised to start seeing a hair colorist early as this job’s a magnet for grey hairs, but you’ve obviously got that one covered. And once again, really sorry about the carpet stains.

Regards,

Barack.

This ‘from one outgoing president to an incoming one’ is one of many imaginary letters written today by ChicagoNow bloggers to mark Inauguration Day. You can read the contributions of my esteemed and far more politically-erudite fellow bloggers here.

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