CHICAGO – Chicago Cubs owner Tom Ricketts was excited Monday to reveal the newly finished left field bleachers at Wrigley Field.
“It’s taken a lot of effort, despite delays, and we just want to thank our fans for being so patient,” said Ricketts. “We also want everybody to know that we plan on keeping the bleachers a place of honored traditions…and by that, of course, I mean a) throwing the ball back after home runs, b) following the game with a scorecard, c) buying an ice cold beer for the person next to you, and d) having beer spilled on you by two bros who are about to throw it down.”
It’s this final ‘tradition’ that Ricketts wants to make sure he can uphold.
“Let’s be honest, there’s not many more places in the world where two bros can just go and throw it down for no apparent reason. Take this situation: Two muscle-bound Big Ten graduates, two men just trying to enjoy a couple brews with their bros, and another group of bros shows up and just bumps into that group of bros, and….well…what are you gonna do when two groups of bros collide? Well, here in the bleachers, that’s where we have ‘Bro Brawls’…it’s like Ronnie Woo-Woo, the Bleacher Preacher, the scoreboard, the ivy…there’s just something about a ‘Bro Brawl’ in the bleachers that says ‘tradition’ and ‘Wrigley Field’.
In order to solidify this tradition into Wrigley lore, Ricketts is planning on having a ceremonial ‘Bro Brawl’ prior to the opening of the left field bleachers against the New York Mets.
“We have Chad Baker of Winnetka and Trent Marshall of Naperville who are going to ‘bro it up’ with some friends before we open the gates.”
The two parties will be highly intoxicated, and will most definitely be accompanied by a multitude of attractive women. Ricketts’ plan is that both parties will meet at the gates, where a coin toss will take place.
“One group will get to select who gets to say ‘What are you lookin at, bro?!’ first. After that, a woman will be selected to have beer spilled on her. Following that moment, a brawl will ensue…and then everybody can go to their seats.”
The Cubs plan for the brawl to take place at 5:30 p.m.; shortly before the gates open.