HEAVEN – Sitting on his throne, God sifted through his daily responsibilities: trying to prevent war, promote peace, and create love.
Unfortunately, while sitting at his desk early Monday morning, news approached that he’d been fearing all week: the Cubs weren’t able to trade Matt Garza before his next start.
“Oh, goodness. Again?! How many times do we have to do this?!’
Forced to teach the Cubs yet another lesson, God went to his ‘injury idea jar’.
The Cubs have tried to trade star pitcher Matt Garza to the Texas Rangers, but the deal has fallen through. Cubs brass, showing patience, doesn’t mind Matt Garza pitching on Monday; even though he’s had a long history of injury problems.
“We’re pretty comfortable with Matt pitching on Monday. I mean, what could go wrong? It’s not like God is gonna come down and force him to get injured!”
Once this statement was released on Sunday, God was forced to act.
“My whole life I’ve been dealing with these idiots. They keep playing with fate. I used to enjoy screwing them over: Steve Trout getting injured on a stationary bike, Mike Harkey getting hurt doing a cartwheel, heck, even Sosa getting hurt with a sneeze. I used to love screwing these guys over. Now? It’s just so tiring. I wanna focus on this Mid East peace talk, but these jagnuts keep pressing for time! Ugh…let’s see what’s in the injury jar.”
God created the Cubs injury jar back in 1986 to deal with a boring time in world history.
“Communism was on its way out, the US was getting disinterested in war, and everybody seemed to do nothing but watch Cheers, Family Ties, and The Cosby Show…so, I just thought, ‘how much more can I screw these guys…that’s when I made sure Dennis Eckersley didn’t go to rehab until he got to Oakland…then, I made the injury jar. I didn’t expect to see ‘injured on stationary bike’ to be the first one, but, whatever. That’s on Trout. I never liked him after ’84.”
God reached in his jar to find the newest verdict.
“Oh, dear. Yikes. This is ugly. He’s gonna reach base, and then slide into second…his head will hit the shortstop’s knee and give him a severe concussion. Well, whatever. That’s on Jed and Theo.”
God wouldn’t release the exact time of the injury, but stated he’s done with the Cubs for now.
“Just make the trade; make your team better…I don’t want to make Soriano drown in a pool…I’m a nice guy.”