CHICAGO – Chicago Blackhawks goaltender Corey Crawford took time from his busy post-cup schedule to enjoy a big breakfast on Sunday morning.
What he would discover during this breakfast would change his life forever.
Upon taking his first bite of toast, Crawford noticed a label on his container.
“I Can’t Believe it’s not Butter?! Bullshit. This f—-n sh– tastes just like real butter, though. F— me!”
Crawford’s delicious 12-grain bread was soaked with this healthy version of butter. His hunger devoured both pieces of toast before he even touched his eggs or bacon.
“Holy sh–! That was f—-n delicious! And it’s not even butter. You gotta be f—-n me!”
Crawford needed more investigation on this new discovery.
“How can this be? Let’s see the label. ‘4 out of 5 people think its better than real butter.’ Who the f— is that fifth guy?! This is f—-n better than butter, there is no debate! Communist infiltration!”
Crawford let his breakfast go cold. His investigation continued.
“80 calories per serving compared to butter’s 100 calories? Cholesterol free? You suck, butter! Good night to the butter industry. You guys are f—-n done! Damn. Look at this picture, too. Putting that sh– on a warm blueberry muffin; just soaking that sh– right up. F—-n melting right into those warm blueberries! F—-n melting in your mouth and not in your f—-n hand.”
Crawford promptly dumped his eggs, ate his bacon, and proceeded to make 16 pieces of toast for breakfast. Crawford then vowed he would be making ‘some tight a– f—-n blueberry muffins.’
Crawford also plans on spending his day with the cup by eating blueberry muffins saturated in I Can’t Believe it’s not Butter. The muffins will be placed inside the cup, and he plans on eating each one.
“No one is invited to that day,” said Crawford. “Just me, the cup, and my greasy hands filled with tight a–blueberry muffins saturated in I Can’t Believe it’s not Butter. Gonna smudge my non-buttered hands all over the Ottawa Silver Seven. Tight.”
At time of press, Crawford still can’t believe it’s not butter.