CHICAGO- On Monday, the Twitter account of Chicago Sun-Times sports columnist Joe Cowley was deleted after numerous sexist comments.
Unfortunately for Cowley, the Sun-Times scribe was halted from his normal pastime of harassing women on Twitter. However, the former White Sox beat writer has found other ways to satisfy his craving.
“They can try to stop me. Try. But I’m not letting this ‘hiccup’ take away from my mission of making sure that women across the Chicagoland area understand their place in the world….which is the kitchen! Or, the bedroom. Well, preferably making the bed in the bedroom. And cleaning up those damn clothes. Make sure my shirts are ironed. Well, the ones that aren’t supposed to go to the cleaners…come to think of it, my maid better make sure those shirts get to the cleaners. Well, when she’s done watching her soap operas or doing her hair er…whatever that woman does. I swear, I’m not even sure she works sometimes. You know what, sometimes I come home and the table isn’t even set? Not even set! Can you believe that?! I pay that woman good money to wear a short French maid dress and clean up around the house and occasionally perform basic acts, of…well…you know. Least that damn woman can do is make sure she heats up a Stouffer’s or something. Maybe somebody needs to slap her in the face…or maybe make me a sandwich occasionally. I don’t know; something worthwhile. Bunch of Murphy Browns running around trying to be men. I’ll show ’em.”
After the account deletion, Cowley immediately went around the Chicago area looking for women.
“Hey, toots!” Cowley discovered a female construction worker assisting on a project on the tri-state. “Hey…hey you there…aren’t you supposed to be holding the ‘slow down’ sign? Maybe while sticking your rear out and wearin’ sunglasses? Don’t you think you’re a little too pretty to tie that hair back? Let it down, girl, let it down…hahahha. Ay!”
Cowley then attended an organizational meeting for Lorie Transportation in Rosemont. While CEO Heather Anderson gave her quarterly report, Cowley stood up to put the career woman in her place.
“Hey, what’s this? Honey, do you even understand those numbers on that chart? Maybe I can help you, let me whip out my calculator…let’s see…carry the two, add the one…oh, look at this, my calculations say you should be pickin’ up your kids from school and makin’ sure they get their afternoon snacks! Oh!”
Cowley’s biggest attack would come hours later when he rode his JoeCowleyRocketShip2000 to Canberra, Australia in order to heckle Prime Minister Julia Gillard at a conference regarding new health care initiatives.
“I’m sorry, Julia…I have a couple questions on this policy…will these new initiatives make sure that a woman stays at home for the rest of her life after giving birth? I mean, these kangaroos around here carry their kids for quite some time…those are some pros. Anyways, just want to let you know, that if you wanna talk about some foreign policy with a man who knows how to make decisions, just give me a call. I know you ladies aren’t the best at making big decisions…it’s tough being frail and of little thought…that’s okay…that’s why most of you are schoolteachers, flight attendants, and nurses. Just stop by my place, where somethin’ a little frisky and I can show you my Ayers Rock…OH! Hahaha….Ay! You wanna some of dis?! Oh, come on, Julia, you know you want it…how bout I show you some initiative? You’ll need some health care when I’m done with ya! Bwahahhahahaha.”
No word has come from the Sun-Times on recent comments.
(DISCLAIMER: All Chicago Tough articles are of comedic in nature and NOT TRUE. We apologize that we have to put such an obvious disclaimer on here…but…we live amongst morons.)