Pat Gillick Tells Cubs He Wants to Die Soon

Pat Gillick Tells Cubs He Wants to Die Soon

CHICAGO – Reports have surfaced that former general manager and Hall of Famer-to-be Pat Gillick has been contacted by the Chicago Cubs.  It is not clear what role Gillick would have with the ballclub, but all signs point to having Gillick fulfill the role as the team’s head baseball mind.

It is also clear that Pat Gillick is hellbent on dying soon.

“We’re scared for him,” said Cito Gaston, an old friend with Gillick during his tenure with the Toronto Blue Jays.  “He kept asking me if I wanted his boat, or if I wanted his house on Cape Cod, or this and that…I didn’t think anything of it until I heard he was talking to the Cubs…then it clicked…he wants to die.”

Gillick was the mastermind of the Blue Jays operation that won two world championships in 1992 and 1993.  His work also spearheaded the Philadelphia Phillies to a championship in 2008.

Close friends are concerned that Gillick, who is 73, doesn’t have anymore to prove. 

“He’s done everything,” stated Phillies manager Charlie Manuel.  “The only reason I’d think he’d talk with the Cubs is that he once mentioned that he wanted to die surrounded by baseball.  A nice, quaint place.  If that’s it, then he’s going to Wrigley.  All you need are a couple of years as a Cubs general manager, and that should be it.”

A University of Chicago doctor Harzeed Amin said, “Don’t be surprised.  When men of success lose meaning of life, they try for the toughest jobs possible.  They know they will get one of two things, 1) success or 2) death while trying.  And if it’s the Cubs, my doctor’s are telling me it looks like #2.”

The Cubs are currently handcuffed with poor free agent signings, a lackluster farm system, and poor management.  Baseball experts are saying it would take at least five years for the Cubs to get back into regular contention.  This is what worries baseball people about Gillick’s intentions.

“He wants to die,” said baseball analyst Peter Gammons.  “He’s going to have to overhaul the entire carribean and pacific scouting teams, revamp their draft process, re-evaluate all of the failures in the minors, and then he’s going to have to get rid of some bad contracts somehow.  Pat knows this.  The Cubs will kill him in two months.  It’s the perfect escape plan.”

No words have been made public from Gillick’s camp, as of yet.

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