2011 Chicago Food Scene Predictions

2011 Chicago Food Scene Predictions

I feel like this prediction thing is futile, no not because it’s TOTALLY overdone. I believe in the Mayan God Chacmool and he’s TOLD me 2012 is my YEAR! Anyway, just in case the great Mayans were incorrect and they factored in Leap Year wrong I’ll give it a go, again just in case we all survive. No need to anger Chacmool for no reason…he still hasn’t delivered my 7 lucky lotto numbers – I’m losing interest. Curious, anyone know anything about ancestor worship?

So my guesses, sorry, Predictions for 2011! This is in no particular order or relevance.

– I continue to DOMINATE the sports bloggers of ChicagoNOW in Fantasy Football. Proving any asshole with an opinion and a heartbeat can write a blog. We are a proud self-important group! Back to your armchair, ladies – for I have taken third and you should weep at my success.

– Farm to Table groups come up with a better marketing term to try and promote local farmers and shit on other farmers not within “their” local 200 mile radius. So FU! conventional farmers of rural America who don’t have a major metro area close enough to sell your goods! That means you parts of Nebraska and Iowa and Kansas, breadbasket of the world my ass!

– Over/under on Michelin honored, bib included, restaurants closing is 2 – I’m going with the over. Economy and unemployment are going to suck for a while and Michelin isn’t the same here in America no matter how hard the French try. My money is on restaurants who don’t have their “original” chefs.

– David Tamarkin gets a new, solid, colored sweater with hood, obviously, “to mix it up” when he “sneaks” in for a review. As he bought it, he was overheard to say, “It’s solid because stripes are so out, bitches.”

– Epic, who recently switched Chefs, turns in to a disco by June altering the Viagra triangle magnetism towards downtown. NV Penthouse contemplates a coup but realizes they can’t afford the glow sticks for such a large space. Hub 51 you have disappointed in not achieving this on your own. New area looking to be called Rave-ville, Ed Hardy button downs required.

– Food Trucks are blamed for many bad business decisions when some restaurant no one ever planned to eat at closes.

– A Vegetarian is found guilty of something and in some weird Hannibal penalty they must count the number of steak houses within a one mile radius of the Rock N Roll McDonald’s. The vegetarian becomes nauseated and light headed after reaching 15.

– Rob and Allie Levitt will leave their butcher shop as soon as they become popular, move to Oswego and start raising livestock…When they soon become known for their beef, Rob mentions a change – Allie promptly slaps him back to his successful reality avoiding a new life in the cave.

– Grubstreet.com gets an exclusive before Eater.com – Ari never forgives them for going against the family. To which, Nick wonders, what family?

– The Stew and Redeye travel outside their comfort zone and realize American’s have been enjoying Pie since the 50’s – hence not making it the “new” cupcake. Hopefully, ending their stupid commentary on dessert “trends.”

– 312 Dining Diva moves and is soon forgotten when she becomes the 872 Dining Diva.

– The Boka Group opens another restaurant after GT Fish & Oyster – they seem to be on a roll or they’re implementing the strategy – boot to throat on Jerry Kleiner’s empire. I’m cool with that.

– THE FDA continues to screw local children when it comes to lunch despite trained Chefs efforts to help. “Hello, Michelle – call Oprah, like Barrack, and get something done”, the farm is nice but an utter waste of time. The nutritionists, accountant types of the food world, have FAILED!

– Butcher Shops are the new “thing.” PLEASE, oh please!

– Steve Dolinsky invites me to Pig and Pinot. A young food blogger can dream. Upon arrival, I soon learn I’ve been invited to be part of the wait staff.

– Rick Tramanto blows another wad of someone else’s money. Tries to come back to Tru but realizes he’s only allowed in to m burger and must work his way off the shake station.

– Grant Achatz opens Next Restaurant and Aviary – proving HE is currently in possession of “the precious.”

– Famed show “Check, Please!” gets suspended when Alpana smacks a guest in the mouth when they proclaim how good St. Margartia is! PBS and the FCC quickly put it back on the air when they realize, due to a little know clause in the regulations, Alpana was perfectly in her rights to bitch slap someone for talking shit on public tv.

– When asked what motivates Graham Elliot to open so many places he merely responds, “We’re doing it for Johnnie.”

– Someone in the Pentaverate appreciates my genius and I never work for money again – sorry that was a spell I’m working on with Chacmool. That’s a fact!

– Arami somehow isn’t as loud as a rock concert when I next dine there. I’D LIKE the SPICY TUNA and WHAT WAS THE SPECIAL AGAIN? WHAT?

– Mastro’s closes because hubris never wins and 1985 sized expense accounts no longer exist! Sadly, I never meet Mastro. He looks like “The Second Most Interesting Man in the World,” check out the website! I wonder if he prefers Corona? Maybe Tecate? I have a feeling its PBR, which is really not that interesting unless it’s your 9th beer at a Cubs game.

– Upon Mastro’s closing – Their old space is carved up and 3 NEW steak places open!!!!  ChicagoMag soon publishes a list of “30 steak places We Love” ensuring EVERYONE is included with no advertiser being left off.

– Paul Virant opens a spot IN Chicago blowing his chances to be Mayor of Western Springs, it sounds so tropical.

– A moment not known to the public, Kevin Pang has a “Fredo” like episode proclaiming “I’m smart, not like everyone says… and I shouldn’t have been passed over,” in a discussion with Phil Vettel when notified he’s out.

– Vegetarianism is proven to not be healthy and eating tacos after midnight is the new IN Diet. (I feel this is something I should get the school lunch peoples opinion on.) I’ve written several letters to Hollywood celebrities hoping one of them takes me up on this opportunity. Somehow Kirstie Allie, who never got a letter, has responded daily she’s in. Maybe I should email that wikileaks guy, if he can stay out of jail…

Lastly if I get only one…please, oh please, let it be this one

– Guy Fieri while attending a TGIF opening has his hands and jewelry proven to be a petri dish of bacteria and he’s declared a national disaster area by the CDC.

You owe me at least this Chacmool, CHACMOOL!

Thanks for a great year and I promise to do my best to keep it going in 2011.

Twitter @chifoodsnob

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