What if Mary, the Mother of Jesus, had a Mommy Blog?

I’ve been critical of these so-called “mommy blogs” recently. Some of us (the non-mommy bloggers of the world) get a sense of faux-frustration coming from these blogs. I like mommy bloggers. But the most popular mommy blogs seem a bit fake. I’m not saying the tribulations in your life are fake, I’m saying the way some of you express those tribulations seem a bit fake and way over the top, with all the unnecessary and redundant swearing going around.

If Mary, pregnant with Jesus, wrote a popular mommy blog today, these are some of the lines you would probably read:

“Cannot believe these bitches! So all week I’ve been getting a lot of shit from other mommy bloggers because I didn’t have my baby with an actual man. They think I have things easier because an angel got me pregnant. Seriously, can you believe these fucking bitches?! Who the fuck do they think they are to judge me!”

“Ummm, when did Bethlehem get filled with so many fucking sluts? When I was single, I never wore the shit these floozies wear. All I see are really small shawls covering way too little skin. Are these sluts even old enough to drink fucking wine?

“Oh my God, there is this crazy king named Herod who is apparently killing all toddler boys in Bethlehem! I shit you not! I am so fucking freaked out! My husband is out building a fucking table right now instead of booking travel plans to get the fuck out of this crazy bat-shit town!”

“If another anorexic slut stares at my belly, I swear to God, I will power-slap her fucking throat. Your thin-ass will someday get big too, stupid shrill!”

“So it turns out that hubby didn’t fucking reserve a room at the local inn. Apparently we have to find a place to stay tonight. Ummm, I’m fucking pregnant and about to burst, what the fuck?!”

“Ok, get ready for this, my loving and devoted husband decided we should stay in a fucking manger tonight. A FUCKING MANGER! Has your husband ever made such a clusterfuck decision in his life? This is quite possibly the worse decision involving a pregnant woman in the history of motherfucking ever.”

“I just read this blog today called Baby Sideburns. Love! It’s fucking hilarious. The writer says exactly what’s on my fucking mind. Best. Blog. Ever.”

“The husband gave me this long speech today about how he is feeling neglected. Ummm, yea, that’s all I fucking need right now. Like my stress level isn’t through the fucking straw roof already. All I’m doing is carrying the Son of Man in my fucking belly! No big deal or anything!”

“Seriously, how much fucking fatter am I going to get before I explode? I thought carrying the future Savior would bring some benefits, like not gaining 40 pounds.”

“Finally gave birth to a beautiful baby boy! Love! :-)”

“Holy shit. There are three crazy old men with gifts right outside our manger. I shit you not! How in the fuck did these three goofy-ass old men know the exact time I gave birth? This is creepy as shit! Nice gifts though…fucking frankincense, fucking mirth, and motherfucking gold!”

Happy Holidays.


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