Walgreens sent me a text today saying that I should come in and get a flu shot. Can you even imagine the nerve?
Just because they have a store on every corner in America doesn’t give them the right to tell me how to protect myself or my family from a potentially deadly disease.
I went over there and got in the drive-thru line, but quickly realized that I would look like an idiot shouting out my window at someone behind bullet proof glass.
So I went inside, stormed up to the counter and got in line, mentally preparing to put my indignation into an elegant assault on Big Pharma.
I’d like to speak to the pharmacist, I responded to the young lady inquiring as to how she might help me. To the pharmacist I said, Why should I let you inject me with this vaccine?
In patient, dulcet tones the pharmacist told me that the vaccine, once at full strength in about two weeks, would help protect me from a serious case of influenza.
At that point, I was tempted to try to work the old, I opened the window and influenza line into the conversation, but that would have been too frivolous and I didn’t want to douse my rage.
I asked her what was in this vaccine and she told me something about eggs and dead viruses and used words like formaldehyde, polysorbate 80 and thimerosal to confuse me.
I was convinced that this young woman went to pharmacy school with the sole intent of screwing me over.
I told her that I heard Walgreens was working with Bill Gates to inject me with a tracking device, at which point I definitely detected a wisp of a snicker which she cleverly tried to disguise with a cough into her closed fist.
She said that influenza can be a serious or deadly disease.
I gave her that sideways Larry David stare, then asked her if this shot was going to make my balls swell up. There was a definitely snicker after that.
I said, Look, I do my research, which may not be totally accurate.
I don’t have a microscope or read peer reviews or scientific journals or anything like that, but I read postings on Facebook and Instagram with which I already agree.
Sizing me up, she finally offered the pièce de résistance, the thing that I could not resist. She said, It’s free!
Talk about burying the lede.
Anyway, I’m home now and I’ve been checking my balls every 15 minutes for swelling. So far, so good, but if Bill Gates rings my bell, there will be trouble.
If it’s Melinda it will be double.
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