Donald Trump challenges Bill Clinton to the cage match of the century

Donald Trump challenges Bill Clinton to the cage match of the century
image: neveryetmelted.com

Donald Trump has challenged Bill Clinton to an old fashioned cage match, much like the “Two-men-enter-one-man-leaves” thing from Mad Max.

Let’s look at the tale of the tape.  Both men are 6 feet 2 inches tall, which is a little spooky all by itself.  They’re also both 69 years old.  What are the chances?

Donnie will be 70 in June, President Clinton will follow in August.

Trump weighs in at about 200 pounds and, according to his personal physician, Dr. Vinny Goombah, he is the healthiest presidential candidate there ever was or ever will be.  Dr. Goombah witheld comment on his patient’s speech pattern, but we can only assume that he would diagnose him with the best words and a yooooge……vocabulary.

(Note:  Trump’s physician’s real name is Dr. Harold Bornstein and you can read the ridiculous letter he wrote about the candidate’s “astonishingly excellent” lab tests by clicking here)

President Clinton weighs in at a leaner 185 pounds, down from his 1994 high of about 220 pounds.  After a quadruple bypass and a couple of coronary artery stents, the former leader of the free world has adopted a modified vegan diet.

I couldn’t find any other statistics about the combatants physical attributes.  When I googled “arm’s length,” the only thing that came up were articles about the GOP wanting to keep an arm’s length from Donald Trump.

Speaking of arm’s length, what’s this thing about Trump’s hands?  They look relatively normal to me, albeit a bit on the feminine side.

Based on overall health and weight factors, I’m going to have to give this one to Trump.  All things being equal, I feel confident that Donnie would find a way to stack the deck in his favor.  For better or worse, he believes in winning, no matter the cost.

Even if he got caught cheating, Donnie would say that Bill did it first and everyone would cheer.

It’s fair to say that each of them seems to have a bit of a roving eye.  In Trump’s case, his eye roved through at least two marriages and a few serious relationships.  We can only speculate (I don’t have to speculate) that he is still afflicted with roving eye syndrome.

Even peering out from that wrinkled, orange skin, I’m sure that Donnie’s roving eyes still look good to the ladies.    Some women have a way of seeing past a man’s flaws, right into the heart of his wallet.

When supporters are asked why they favor Donnie Trump, the second most frequent answer is that he’s done pretty well for himself.  That is the only understatement you will ever hear from any of his supporters.

You already know what the number one answer is, so we don’t need to discuss that here.  Thinking that Donnie actually says what he means or means what he says is purely delusional.

As for answer number two though, they are absolutely right.  Donnie has done pretty well for himself.

Donnie always takes care of himself.  He has always looked to line his pockets without regard to the resulting fallout or cost to others.  When he bankrupts a company or cuts a sweetheart tax deal on a development, remember that the money he saves himself comes from somewhere.

Some of it from your pocket and mine.

He has created jobs, but only to enrich himself.  Mr. Trump may be beloved by his employees at the sumptuous Mar-a-Lago, but workers building his branded enterprises can fare no better than slaves.

On the subject of cheap labor, Donnie has never been shy about outsourcing his labor instead of providing jobs for Americans.

This would not be a good example of him meaning what he says.

President Clinton has gotten rich making speeches, no denying that.  He has also created a foundation which has identified problems and created solutions for those problems around the world.

If you are not familiar with the Clinton Global Initiative, you’d be surprised at the amazing work they do.  It is the focus of President Clinton’s life and, when his health permitted, President George H.W. Bush joined the effort.

Contrary to Carly Fiorina’s claim that little of the money raised by CGI actually goes toward the programs, it has been well-documented that about 88% of the money raised goes toward solving issues identified by the foundation.

Most of that work is done by the foundation itself, as opposed to doling it out to other charities and giving up control of the programs.

It’s worth mentioning here that President Clinton reigned over historic economic growth (4% average), saw the most jobs created under any single presidency and created the largest 3-year budget surplus in history.  There’s more, but I don’t like to brag.

By comparison, the whole cigars-are-for-pussies thing is pretty insignificant, don’t you think?  Even Mike Huckabee’s lips might quiver at the thought of a little “beester” under the desk.

Who do you want to see walk out of the cage?

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