10 Reasons Toddlers Suck

10 Reasons Toddlers Suck
A 20 minute tantrum for this to take two minutes.

I visited with a friend and her newborn yesterday. As I held the little 9 pound, sleeping baby, I realized how simple life was when my son was that age. Sure, at the time, I didn’t think so. I was a first time mom battling Postpartum Depression and it was hard.

Really hard.

I longed for him to be older. To walk. To talk. To achieve milestones. And now…..

Shoot me.

Toddlers suck.

Not like all the time. They are actually quite fun and amazing. But there are times.

Oh yes, there are times.

Here are 10 reasons toddlers suck

1) Diaper changes: Since when did sitting in your own shit become cool? I mean seriously. As a baby my son hated it. The moment he was wet he was crying. Now, a diaper change becomes a negotiation or worse a wrestling match worthy of Crocodile Dundee. And potty training…for-get-about-it!

2) Getting Dressed: (see wrestling match.) Honestly, get dressed dude! I know you want to pick out your own clothes, that’s fine. But then put the damn things on. Naked is not the new black.

3) Eating: Get me off this roller coaster, I’m dizzy. The back and forth is worse than a tennis match. Either you like it or you don’t. You can’t have it both ways.

4) Personality disorder: Hello! Is my son in there?? Who the hell are you??? One minute you are a sweet, happy little man. The next satan’s spawn. Sybil is that you?

5) Talking back: “It’s mine!” No you little shit, it’s mine!!!

6) Nap time: Dear Lord, pass me a Valium. For me. Not him. Seriously, trying to get this kid to take a nap is pure torture.

7) Tantrums: Enough said.

8) Indecisiveness: I am not a human remote control. My job on Earth is not to turn on Elmo for 3 minutes so you can ask me to watch Thomas. I then turn on Thomas for 2 minutes so you can ask me to turn on Mickey Mouse for 5. Guess what? The television is also “Mine”!

9) Clingy: Honestly, if this child could climb back into my body through my mouth, into my uterus, he would. True. Story.

10) Bedtime: (see negotiations, nap time, tantrums, and clingy) Please child, go to sleep. Stop arguing. Don’t negotiate 5 more minutes of Curious George. And please, please, get out of my bed and into yours. And. Stay. There.

Ah yes, toddlerhood. A fun and amazing time to be a parent. When the stress simply overwhelms you and then in a moments notice they have you laughing. And crying. At. The. Same. Time.

Wow. Just wow.

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