Ten Ways To Piss Off a Toddler

Ten Ways To Piss Off a Toddler

My son will be two in July. He’s at that stage where he’s on the brink of holding a full blown conversation with us but not yet quite ready.

Communicating with him can be pretty difficult. At times, my frustration reaches a level that is hard to come back from. I can only imagine how he must feel.

I’ve been trying to put myself in his shoes. How would I feel if I wanted so desperately to say something or I wanted something and nobody understood me?

Pissed. That’s how.

Here are 10 ways to piss off a toddler.

1) Diapers. I get it. I’m not potty trained. They keep explaining it to me but I don’t get it. I don’t even know what that white thing is that I see mommy sit on. I just know I get told no a lot for touching stuff in that room and she makes me wash my hands an awful lot. What I do know is that sitting in my own shit sucks. Squishy, smelly shit. Oh, and let’s not forget the urine filled morning diapers. Nothing like waking up with a boulder between your legs.

2) Food. I don’t want what you are offering me. I can only tell you a few things I like. None of which I want today. So, I’m just going to launch this crap on the floor and cry.

3) Cribs. Cribs are for babies. I am not a baby. I understand you don’t want me getting into your shit and waking you up any earlier but I need my freedom.

4) Bed time. How do I put this gently? I do not want to go to bed when you tell me to. Ever. Whether you are right or wrong, I am always right. And right now, I’m going to fight to stay awake as long as I can. Get ready to fetch that glass of water, read me another story, and prepare to cosleep for the next 3 years.

5) Restaurants. I’m bored. Done. Over. Fuck this. I know we just got here.

6) Car rides. I’m bored. Done. Over. Fuck this. I know we just left the house.

7) Sippy cups. What is this crap? Is this a new cup? Where’s my old cup? You do know this may look the same, act the same, and deliver the same but it’s NOT the same? You’ll get it after the major meltdown that’s about to go down.

8) Strollers. Sure, it’s great to be pushed around like a king but I’m a big boy now. The world is mine. And so is everything I see in the Disney Store. No, I don’t want to “look with my eyes and touch with my hands”. Please woman! I want to touch every damn thing and when I can’t, I’m going to cry about that too.

9) Nothing and Everything. Nothing pisses me off more than everything. There is nothing you can do but everything to make me happy.

10) Meltdowns. You do know these can be avoided, right? Sure, just like death and taxes. In other words, my tantrums are here to stay. How can you avoid them? You can’t. But, you can sure as hell try.

For instance, I only like the pink chalk not the blue. Don’t ever hand me the blue.

I will wear only the shoes I choose. I don’t care if it’s one Cookie Monster shoe and one Elmo shoe. Same goes for clothes.

If I decide to dress up as a princess today and a superhero tomorrow so be it. I will go to school like this. You can’t stop me.

Today I love my mommy. Tomorrow it’s all about daddy. The day after that, you better guess correctly.

Be a mind reader. That is all. You should know what I want, what I need, what I’m trying to say….24/7.


Some days it is simply all or
nothing with these little humans.



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