A couple of weeks ago I published a post about my infertility issues. The post itself was 3 weeks in the making. It took me that long to decide to hit the publish button.
I’m glad I did.
So many people commented and messaged me.
They had been there. They were going through the same thing.
It took me 4 days to publish this blog post today.
Strength in numbers.
Here it goes….
I knew something was up the moment the stomach flu hit our house and I was the only one it debilitated. Like couldn’t get off the couch, I’m dying right now, debilitating. When the words “the last time I felt like this I was pregnant with Bubba Joe” came out of my mouth, I knew.
But how? I just found out I’m broken on the inside. My prolactin level is so high that my body thinks I’m Breastfeeding. Something of which I haven’t done in 15 months and never really worked to begin with. My periods last but a few hours to one day. My uterus is constantly contracting causing horrible back cramps and menstrual cramps 4 weeks out of the month. Yes folks, that’s every damn day, 365 days a year. How the F am I pregnant?
But, I am. At least that’s what the 3 home pregnancy tests say.
My OB-GYN was a little ( a lot) baffled. And so more tests were ordered. Was my body playing a cruel joke on me? Was something else causing high HCG levels?
Cervix is officially on lock down. Despite the infertile high blood level, “one snuck past the goalie”, he said.
And here we are.
Just shy of 7 weeks pregnant.
Anxiously awaiting the ultrasound to see if all if this is really true.
But alas, no miracle. No baby. No heartbeat. Just a small sack where he or she would have lived.
The inevitable miscarriage #2.
I was offered to wait it out and have a natural miscarriage or schedule a D&C. A natural miscarriage could take weeks. I can’t wait weeks. I can’t live with this inevitable cloud over my head.
D&C it is. Monday morning.
Man, this sucks.
Two weeks before miscarried baby #1 would have been due.
Yes, I remember.
I’m sad, I’m angry, I’m…everything.
But that’s ok. I’m entitled to feel sad. I’m entitled to mourn.
And so are you.
A pregnancy is a pregnancy. A baby is a baby no matter how far along you are. Loss is loss.
I’m not going to hide behind my miscarriage. It’s important to talk about it. It’s important for others to know it’s ok to talk about how they feel. I think being public about it helps others who may be going through the same thing.
But that’s me.
You are entitled to mourn in your own way.
You are a mom. You are strong. You can get through this.
And so can I.
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