I have owned dogs my whole life. I’m a Certified Veterinary Technician so owning a dog (or three) is an occupational hazard. I also ran a rescue group for 13 years so the probability of having a dog was pretty damn high. These pooches taught me a thing or ten about parenthood.
1) You are excited to bring your new member home but have no freaking clue what’s about to go down. Granted your new baby isn’t about to chew on your walls or eat your couch but they certainly know how to give you a run for your money.
2) Puppies, scared rescue dogs, or senior dogs that keep you up whining and barking at all hours of the night certainly prepare you for sleepless nights with a newborn.
3) Veterinary visits during the first year of a pup’s life is pretty darn similar to the many trips you will make to your pediatrician for vaccinations and illnesses.
4) Dogs always tend to eat better than you do. From the best premium diet to the yummiest of gourmet treats, your pooch never goes without. Neither does your kid. From breast milk, to organic milk, juices, and foods, your child gets the best of the best. Meanwhile you and your spouse are subjected to frozen pizzas, Chinese take-out, and Lean Cuisine.
5) NO in dog language is translated as “Fluffy, blah, blah, blah, NO!”. NO in toddler language is translated as “(insert child’s name), blah, blah, blah, NO!”
Both mean…I’m going to fucking do it anyway and you are going to repeat yourself 100 more times.
6) Both of these creatures seriously get off on getting into things they are not supposed too. They enjoy testing you. They look at you while they are touching the things they know are off limits searching your face for recognition of bad behavior. Because after all, above said #5 is a game and we all know NO means YES.
7) You will never, ever be alone again. Whether it’s the dog with separation anxiety or the child that freaks the eff out when you attempt to use the bathroom alone, you are forever owned by them. Forget long days away from home or tropical vacations. Either they are coming with or you
bribe ask a trustworthy, family member to watch them. DCFS and the ASPCA frown upon unattended family members.
8) Your floors and walls will never be clean again. From the drool, hair, and treat crumbs to Cheerios, milk, all other food products, and crayons, the days of having an immaculate (or semi-immaculate) house are over. Unless of course, the kid and the dog start working together.
9) Poop is poop. Whether you are scooping it, changing it, or wiping it, shit is shit and shit ain’t pretty. On your carpet, up the back, down the front, stomped on in a crate, it’s all the same. Potty training is potty training. You are still teaching someone or something where to piss and shit. It’s a dirty job and someone has to do it.
10) Unconditional Love. Whether it’s the first moment you look into that shelter dog’s eyes or the eyes of your very own son, you will go above and beyond and to the moon and stars to keep them safe, healthy, and forever in your heart and soul.
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