I can’t wait until my baby…. (Insert wish here). Ahh…baby milestones.
Why do parents say that? Why did I say that? You look at your immobile infant and wish silently and sometimes openly, “I can’t wait until he crawls.” “I can’t wait until he walks.” “I can’t wait until he eats solid foods.”
This parenting shit doesn’t get easier as they start to move. It gets fucking harder!!!
My 10 month old is on the move. The crawl today is different from last week and the week before. Hell, it changes at warp speed daily. This is serious shit. He is seriously in the NASCAR of crawling. Lock up your prized possessions, put the safety plug covers in, put bumpers on the dogs, and install the baby gates. Bubba Joe means business.
SPEAKING of business, I took my first official crap with a baby who crawled to the door, pushed it open, laughed, and hung out with me until I was done. Yes, my little man scooted up on his tushy and watched. The very limited “me time” I had is oh-va! For the next umpteen years I will no longer be able to shit in peace.
He pulls himself up onto his large toys, couches, and tables. He is crawling through coffee tables and using Daddy Mayhem as a human mountain. He stands in his crib and plummets himself backwards. He smacks his head at least 3 times a day on something. I swear, he’s either going to be in a coma or have brain damage before his first birthday.
The baby monitor has been retired. There is nothing scarier than hearing your child stir in the middle of the night and flipping the monitor screen on only to have your child’s face staring right back at you. Literally. The little shit can reach it. It’s like something straight out of The Blair Witch Project!
Oh and back to shit….do you know what it’s like to remove a hard turd from your baby’s booty hole?
Umm..not fun…not fun.
“I can’t wait until he eats solids and drinks regular milk.”
Think again. If you like pumping the poop out or digging for gold, then hell! Go for it!
Trips to the grocery store become a game of “bob and weave”. At all costs AVOID the baby food aisle. Otherwise, if your little spawn is hungry and he sees an organic pouch of sweet potatoes or teething biscuits, you WILL be opening it right then and there. You will become THAT parent.
Lets not forget moving your little bugger from an infant carrier to a car seat. Now your car has become a playroom. They no longer lay there paralyzed, being lulled to sleep. Nope! They get bored and scream so toys become your holy savior.
Toys…..what once was my “front room” “siting room” “take off your fucking shoes” “don’t eat any god damn food in here” room has become his “spill my milk, puke on your carpet, and turn this bitch into my own private play area” room.
Yeah, you can wait……
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