I love my dogs. We currently own three. Before I had a child I had children. Fur children, fur babies. Four paws, drool, and dog hair.
They were my life.
I ran a very successful dog rescue for 12 years up until late last year. I finally had the confidence in myself and someone else to let go and turn the reins over so I could focus on my new family. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. Not because I would miss the dogs.
Because I am a fucking control freak perfectionist.
The dogs…in all honesty, were killing me. That and the asshole people in this world.
Now I’m a human mom. Something I never pictured myself to be.
When people used to ask me if I had children, my confident response would be “No, I have dogs.” They would roll their eyes at me and say “Oh, it’s not the same.”. I would just smile, roll my eyes in my mind and think to myself, “Well, asshole you don’t live with ten Saint Bernards.
Sadly, they were right. Being a human parent is far more difficult than being a dog parent. However, being a dog parent and a human parent does have it’s similarities and differences. Let me break it down for you.
- The crate is a wonderful thing for dog parents. You can safely tuck away your four legged friend in a non-threatening humane way for several hours. Should you do this with your child,DCFS will be called on your ass.
- House training vs. Potty training. For most dogs, they are potty trained by the time they reach six months of age. An infant will shit it’s pants from birth until its about 5 years old, give or take a year. Accidents happen my friends.
- Wee Wee Pads vs Diapers? Not seeing much of a difference here. Either way, your cleaning up someone else’s shit.
- You can leave your dog unattended in the car to run into the post office. Leave your baby in the car and some asshole will be waiting for you +/- the police to tell you what an awful parent you are.
- Either scenario, always crack the window. See, similarities!!
- Dog leash-GOOD Kid leash-BAD
- Child Stroller-GOOD Dog Stroller-BAD
- You can leave the house in the morning, coffee in hand, and a smile on your face while your dog stays home alone. Once again, leaving a child unattended…DCFS.
- Children’s clothing is far more expensive than dog clothing. Although, touche’ on the studded collars!
- Dog vaccinations vs. children’s vaccinations? Too many either way.
- Dog parents have the freedom to go out on the town with only the tucked away notion that they can’t stay out too late because Fluffy has to take a whizz. But, if she pisses on the floor, so be it! Let’s party!
- Human parents have to arrange a night out weeks in advance and have the tucked away notion that they can’t stay out too late because Junior will be up at the ass crack of dawn, ruining their buzz, and magnifying their hangover.
- Both children and dogs will eat you out of house and home.
- Drool is drool.
- Should your dog have a sensitivity to fireworks or thunderstorms, sedatives are always an option. When you are hypersensitive to the shrilling cry of a newborn or screaming toddler, sedatives are frowned up. Especially in formula.
- Doggie Daycare vs Human Daycare. Both cost an arm and a leg, they are always over flowing, full of germs, and there is always another kid beating up on yours.
- Cost is cost. Whether its a child or dog, its gonna cost you. Money, time, energy.
- Neither have the oral communication skills to tell you their woes, biggest fears, and challenges.
- Should you regret your decision to have a child, you can’t just dump it off at the nearest shelter or put it to sleep. They are a life long commitment. Your dog should be too folks!
The moral of the story here kids is that no matter what you are a parent to, it’s a major responsibility. It comes with ups and down, challenges and obstacles, laughter and tears, and of course shit and piss.
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