Life In The Fast (Pass) Lane

Life In The Fast (Pass) Lane

As I stood in line this weekend awaiting my son’s turn to sit on the Easter Bunny’s lap, my attention was turned to Christmas. Just 3 months ago, I stood in a similar line for that  jolly old fat fuck. A line full of screaming, impatient children, moms daydreaming for a bottle of wine, and dads wishing they were at home watching football, all the while  killing one another with curt words.  We waited for what seemed like an eternity….an hour actually.  An hour!  An hour to force my son to sit on a stranger’s lap just to get that nostalgic photo while I secretly hoped he didn’t have a meltdown. He didn’t thankfully and neither did my son.

Fast forward three months….we hopped down the bunny trail and stood in yet another long line just so my son could get his first Easter photo with a 6 foot, creepy ass bunny. It’s no wonder why kids flip their shit! As I stood there listening to Daddy Mayhem complain about how much he hates people and crowds,  I came up with a plan. “The Mall Photo Fast Pass Lane”

Just about every theme park has them. “Fast Pass Lanes”.  Disney, Universal Studios, Sea World, and Great America to name a few. Even the DMV has a fast pass lane for renewals. How does it work? You head over to your favorite amusement ride,  grab a ticket with an allotted time slot on it, and return to the attraction during that assigned time. In the meantime you hit your favorite food court or souvenir shop and continue enjoying your stay at the “Happiest Place On Earth”. When your time is up, you hop into a “Fast Pass Lane” and you smile and flip off the suckers standing in line sweating their balls off  as you go straight to the front of the line and jump on the ride of a lifetime.

Why not instill these lanes at the local mall? I mean there isn’t a more congested, hot, smelly, annoying line than the line leading to Santa Claus. You show up, grab a 3pm arrival time and head on over to Cinnabon.  When your time rolls around, Wa-la!, you and your little ones head on up to the front of the line for fast pass chaos, crying, and catastrophe. I see a winner here folks!

I love my son and he was an angel for both Santa and Peter Cottontail. However, he is only 8 months old. In years to come he very well may be kicking and screaming at the likes of a creepy fat man in a red suit or a giant rabbit. I definitely want my get out of jail free card, the fast pass lane!



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