You know that moment when you walk into a room and…..yeah, that moment.
What the hell did I come in here for?
Total loss of memory.
People claim the term “Mommy Brain” starts when you are pregnant. Some speculate that there is so much going on during this
blissful time in our lives that we just forget. Others say it’s the shift in hormones that causes us to forget simple things like why we went to the store in the first place.
I call bullshit.
I have a theory on mommy brain and it goes a little something like this. Lack of oxygen to crucial brain cells. No, your hubby isn’t putting a pillow over your face at night as you snore like a Rhino. (although, do not think for a moment that hasn’t crossed his mind.) You see, the tiny little fetus is already sucking the very existence known as life out of you. They start early, my friends. They are already planning your retirement to the nursing home from within the womb. As their tiny brains grow, a little bit of yours dies.
Then comes labor and delivery. I can tell you from personal experience that most of my fucking brain cells got pushed out with my son. After 28.5 hours of labor, I’m surprised I am not in a vegetative state. “Push, push, count to ten and push as hard as you can!” “Oh, and don’t forget to breath!”. Don’t forget to breath??? Listen Nurse Mary Margaret, bitch, or whatever your name is, I am pushing a bowling ball out of a pea sized hole. My legs are literally up over my head and my husband is pushing my upper torso into my vagina. Explain to me how I’m supposed to push and breathe at the same time? My fucking diaphragm is being crushed! By the way, unless you’ve actually given birth, Nurse Big Mouth, you have NO idea what you are talking about!
People assume when a woman who just gave birth is unable to form full sentences they are exhausted from the event. No stupid, their brains are mush from lack of oxygen. But you had a C-section you say. Well, don’t think that spinal just numbed you from the waist down. That shit has to be processed somewhere. Guess where? Your nervous system. And the chief guy on the job is your brain. The outcome? You guessed it, dead brain cells.
Why do you think once you get home with that little
shit bundle of joy all hell breaks lose? Why can’t I remember how to swaddle like the nurse taught me? How long do I have to pump? I read every book. Why can’t I remember to point his penis down when I change his diaper? The damn kid is pissing all over the walls!
Then there is that moment whether it be 18 months down the line or 5 years later when you get pregnant again. The joy! Wait…did you FORGET what it was like the first time? The morning sickness, the swollen feet, the lack of sleep, the tiny bladder, the irritability, and the alcohol withdraw. What about the PAIN of labor? Of course you have forgotten…right until you are back in the game and then the light bulb goes off. Shit!
As your child enters their teen years your brain damage is proven further. You don’t remember signing that permission slip to allow Susie to go to Mexico with her Spanish class but she’s packed and ready to go! And what about Tommy who is spending the night at Ralphie’s and his parents are out of town. You said it was alright…remember?? Did you really borrow him the car or did he just take it? Wasn’t he grounded because of his poor grades?
You adopted, you say? You aren’t out of the woods, my friend. You have stressed induced, inherited, holy crap, mommy brain.
I am almost 7 months in as a new mom. I can tell you that unless I write shit down, I totally forget. And I still forget I wrote a note to remind myself. There are days I honestly think there is something wrong with me. I truly believe my labor and delivery caused irreversible brain damage. Daddy Mayhem says I have mommy induced Attention Deficit Disorder. I have way too much going on in my brain at once and I need to slow down. He is right on some level. On the other hand, maybe this mommy thing just causes temporary insanity. After all, we are known to lose our shit on our kids every so often.
Do you have Mommy Brain?
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