Crazy damn last minute Christmas Shoppers ! And I am one of them. The last thing I need is a smart mouth bitch in my way. Move your cart or I will move it for you! Better yet, don’t force me to relocate your ass too! This was the start of my December 22nd shopping experience. Who seriously goes to Walmart 3 days before Christmas? THIS asshole!
Next a very large woman in a motorized Jazzy decides she’s going to take on Bubba Joe in his stroller, NASCAR style. Hot damn if she wasn’t going to roll down the food isle before a 5 month old. The BABY food aisle. Bubba Joe strapped on his goggles and off we went! We whizzed right past her.
Off to Kohls we go…standing at the jewelry counter, paying for my purchase, a very odorefic elderly lady decides she’s going to lean across my breasts, my person, my wallet and pay over me. Bitch, I’m paying! Get in line! The cashier can only ring one of us at a time. The line forms to the right not left. Yuck!
Head to Binny’s Beverage Depot to pick up one of Daddy Mayhem’s gifts. A half keg of Blue Moon. You know how many alcoholics are out there when the police are directing traffic into the lot. Get the keg home and the fucker doesn’t fit in our kegerator. Back to Binny’s…
Binny’s on 12/23…more police directing traffic at 10:30am. What time does church get out??? Pick up smaller keg and Godiva chocolate liquor and Bailey’s for me. Yum! Encounter another asshole. How was I supposed to know you were in line lady? All empty handed staring into space nowhere near a line. Oh that’s right, you needed a gift card.
Off to Target. Major blow out with Daddy Mayhem. Guess we are leaving….try again on 12/24.
12/24 I escape the house sans kid and man. Need to get gift cards now since Target didn’t pan out yesterday. Off to the grocery store I go. Grab last minute grocery items for Christmas dinner and the gift cards and head to a register. Lucky me! I found a register just one person deep. But, it’s never easy or clear cut. Customer in front of me is talking on the phone and trying to input her debit card number….6 times!! I mumble loudly under my breath…”well, if you weren’t one the phone”…..dirty looks and curse words, she hangs up the phone, and magically puts in the correct pin number.
I walk to my car and there is a car parked next to mine with their passenger door open butt up against my driver door. There is a frail old man, on oxygen, puffing away on a cigarette with his legs hanging out the door. I ask him to please close his door so that I can get in my car. He angrily explains that he can’t because his daughter doesn’t want him smoking and especially in her car. Can I please wait for him to finish??? WHAT?? No, dude. I’m freezing my ass off and I have an arm full of groceries and I’m late for a party. I ask him again to please close his door and he says no and pulls it closed just enough for me to squeeze, and I mean squeeeeeze in, rubbing my black dress pants up against the dirty car. UGH!
Home at last!!! Gulped a glass of wine.
12/25 12:00am: Realizing right now, I forgot to buy one more gift…………..
Merry Christmas from Chi-Town Mommy Mayhem!