Thanks, Arizona, for Senate Bill 1062. You Make Illinois Look Normal!

I wanted to stay out of the political fray.  Really, I did.  No good can come from publicly expressing one’s political views–there’ll always be a louder voice with an opposing view.  But the mere drafting of Arizona Senate Bill 1062 one begs — pleads for — nah, it screams for a response from the great State of Illinois.  So I’ve decided to take it on.

Dear Arizona Lawmakers:

Thank you for taking Illinois off the front page of political ridiculousness.  I would have guessed that Louisiana–given the fact that it’s Mardi Gras season–would have taken a drunken leap at the opportunity to be our savior since they seem to cherish the title of Most Corrupt State in the U.S.  And I have to give a big shout-out to New Jersey, who recently garnered some bad press for their bridge scandal.  But we here in Illinois still feel the sting of humiliation from having weathered the Blago years.  And before him, George Ryan, Dan Rostenkowski and a long list of former Illinois lawmakers turned Federal inmates.  Yes, Illinois politicos really do provide fodder for the political gristmill.  So it’s quite a feat when another state can steal the jeweled tiara of lunacy for themselves, and Arizona has done just that.

I have to be honest, when I first learned of a proposed law sanctioning discrimination against gays, I was forced to check my calendar.  Initially,I was pleased to learn that I wasn’t experiencing some blunt-head-trauma-invoked-back-to-the-future hallucination that landed me smack dab in the middle of 1950.  But upon the realization that the State of Arizona in 2014 would even consider drafting such a law, on second thought I would have rather learned it was the result of a blunt-head trauma.

Let’s take this discussion one step closer, if we can, to the drafting of this legislation.

Arizona lawmakers, do you really mean to tell me there was more than one person involved in the drafting of this legislation?  That the rest of y’all didn’t say, “Hold up there, partners.  I’m not so sure this is our best idea”?  You mean to tell me that this legislation was not some spoof or something that started as one of those inside jokes that only three people actually understand? Seriously, more than one idiot collaborated on the drafting of this crazy legislation and the administrative assistant spellchecking the document before it was handed in to Governor Jan Brewer didn’t say, “Uh, folks…?”

Well, I for one have been secretly jealous of the weather my friends in the desert Southwest have always enjoyed while we in the Midwest freeze our asses off winter after winter.  Until now.  Thankfully, I feel my jealousy abating.  I mean, given the choice of living in a state with crappy winters and vast political larceny or uprooting myself and moving to a state where apparently the sun’s rays are so strong that it melts the little neurons that control human decency for some Arizona politicians, I’m going to remain firmly rooted in Illinois.

Man, oh, man, you know Arizona politicians are screwed up when folks from Illinois are offended.


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