For today, Sam Smith, memories of my mother, and putting on makeup are enough to light my way

For today, Sam Smith, memories of my mother, and putting on makeup are enough to light my way
Sharon Starr, my mom, when she was 16.

I’ve been in the shade for the past two weeks. I’ve taken a tumble down a hill into a shallow valley and I’m wandering around the shadows. Nothing big, no drama, just part of the package called “Kerri.”

Depression can be a lot of things, but for me right now it’s a feeling that the lights have been dimmed. When I wake up in the morning, my eyes are open but I can’t see clearly.

Still, wandering around in a shallow valley, I move in and out of shadows. The light is still there, breaking through now and then.

As I learn to accept my life and my moods, I’m also learning to notice when the light breaks through. I’m learning to notice it and celebrate it.

This morning I was getting ready for work, alone in the house. I had Sam Smith blaring. As I was putting on my makeup I had this moment of the clouds moving along and the sun suddenly breaking through.

When I put on my makeup I often think of my mother. I remember watching her get ready to go out. I was mesmerized as a little girl watching her rituals. She always applied lipstick the exact same way, carefully, layering and blotting on a strip of toilet paper. She’d give the mirror that self-critical look and adjust an earring or a curl.

I don’t know what she was thinking, but I was thinking she was the most beautiful woman in the world.

As I put on mascara, the same brand I’ve used since high school, I felt like I was channeling my mother. Makeup is magic. Those little fluffs of eyelashes become long and thick and noticeable. My eyes suddenly show up on my face differently.

And I realized in that moment that I was at peace. I felt a little microburst of joy thinking about my beautiful mother and feeling like I was channeling her.

As I finished up to head out to my job, I was singing along with Sam Smith. I don’t have money on my mind either. I do it for the love.

For today, Sam Smith, memories of my mother, and putting on makeup are enough to light my way.

Do me a favor? Click my “like” button and join our Facebook community.

If you’d like to know first-hand when I have a new post, type your email address in the box and click the “create subscription” button. My list is completely spam free, and you can opt out at any time.

Leave a comment