Resolution Chronicles: what will happen tomorrow?

Resolution Chronicles: what will happen tomorrow?
Photograph entitled "Fiesta Tomorrow" Used with permission of a Creative Commons License.

Tonight is our Blogapalooz-hour. Our community manager gives us a prompt at 9 p.m. and we publish exactly at 10. Here’s the prompt: “Write about your tomorrow. Not figuratively, literally write about anything that you hope, fear, believe, expect — anything — that you may experience tomorrow.”

Ok, so here’s the deal. I’m not supposed to being thinking about tomorrow. Everything I’m working on at the moment deals with being in the moment, in this very moment. More than half my problem with life is that I think about tomorrow and the day after tomorrow, and I dread what might be, what could happen.

It’s called “anxiety.” Plain and simple I fear the future. Why? Because it will never live up to my expectations and my demands. I want to be perfect and I want my life to be perfect. But it never, ever is.

I want to wake up early, take the dog for a walk, sit down with a cup of coffee and clear the 220+ emails from my inbox. Then, I want to take a shower and find an outfit that says I’m mature, but not old and classy but not conservative. I want my hair to curve under at the ends and I want to get my mascara on without clumping.

I want to wake up my daughter for her last day of school for the year and know that she slept well and that she’s embracing the day with a light heart. I want to have enough time to drive by Starbucks on the way to school so that she can have an iced vanilla latte as a last-day treat for school. We’ll listen to Prince or Queen and sing along and laugh.

And those are just my expectations up to 9 a.m.

When I get to work I will face two meetings: one that I love, first thing when I arrive, and one that I hate, later in the afternoon. The first will inspire me to be cheerful during the second. I will meet with a colleague about a project we’re working on. I’ll prepare my class, complete my timesheet, start chipping away on the “to do” list that I’ve extracted from my email that I cleared at 7 a.m. and then meet my class with good jokes and deep insight.

Throughout the day I’ll eat healthy foods and I won’t get irritated by stupid people doing stupid things. I’ll be kind and remember that they have stories and sorrows. Even though I’ve been at it all day, I’ll meet my daughter at home around 7 p.m. and I’ll be in a good mood, full of energy and with open ears to hear about her day.

I’ll walk the dog again, a good, long walk. I’ll breathe deeply and listen to nature as we walk. I’ll laugh when he rolls in the grass and when he finds that same damned bone in a neighbor’s yard that he always finds.

Of course, I know that my day won’t go like this. I know that I’ll wander over to Facebook and lose some productive time. I’ll think snarky things about people, because some people really are stupid. I’ll probably resort to playing solitaire during the meeting I hate in order to distract me from saying the things I really want to say.

I’ll worry about my daughter and feel guilty that I’m not going to be home until evening when I’ll likely be exhausted. And my hair is going to curl in strange places, sometimes under and sometimes over.

What I hope for myself is that I really will breathe deeply and listen and feel and see what the world has waiting for me. I hope that I’ll learn to accept myself and others and be at peace with what I find.

I hope that I will be fully in some of the moments of my day and that I’ll spend as few as possible thinking about tomorrow.

This post is part of a year-long series about my New Year’s resolution. All in the series are included in the Resolution Chronicles category below. This is the first post that explains my resolution.

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