So this is the “give someone advice” Blogapalooz-hour? Giving myself advice 20 years ago is so easy, I figured I’d make a contest out of it and do it in 20 minutes, just to give everyone else a chance.
I don’t say that with my normal huge ego, it’s just that I fucked up so much when I was younger it’s easy to give myself advice.
It’s 1993, and you’re 28 now, but I have some advice for you.
You’ve been married twice, what the hell makes you think if you do it again, it’ll work out this time?
Quit looking at (and hitting on, and going out with) every hot little 19-year-old you run into. Those girls are going to get you in trouble. Yes, you’re going to have a lot of fun, but just remember everything evens out in life. Yes, karma is very real.
If you meet a woman and she cheats on her boyfriend with you, if you wind up with her eventually she’ll just cheat on you with someone new. A leopard cannot change it’s spots.
Don’t move to Key West without a woman- if you don’t have a woman there, everyone pretty much assumes you are gay. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, of course, it’s just hard to get a woman if everyone thinks you’re gay. You have to move down with a girlfriend, and once everyone knows you’re on the hetro team, you dump her and get a hot islander.
Be careful what you wish for, many many things are not worth the cost. As fun as they may be.
If you do happen to find the one perfect woman for you, don’t fuck it up and blow it off because of some hot, young, ego-riffic blonde just because she’s barely 18.
Well, I’ll keep it short as to give my fellow Chicago Now family members a fighting chance. I don’t know if this is even a contest but what the hell, why take a chance?
Names have been omitted to protect both the perfectly innocent and those who are raunchy, nasty, dirty, fun, unforgettable, and guilty.