I'm Spiritual, Dammit

Kids say the darndest things

I have a three year old who is just starting to talk.  If you've been through this, you know that every day is a new adventure in their discoveries.  So yesterday, I had a moment that I found so hilarious, I wish I could freeze time.  But since I can't, I'll write about it instead.
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My son Britt saying "cheese"

My son was one of those kids who didn't really start talking until the day he turned three.  He went from being mute, to not being able to shut up.  Now that he's "Chatty Cathy", I find myself longing for those days when all he wanted to do was listen to Coldplay and suck on his binkers.

While he is very talkative, he isn't very clear with some of his consonants.  His "S" sounds like a "D", his "R" is a "W", and his "P" is a "T".  But for the most part, I can make out what he is saying with a little patience.  He also gets his needle stuck if he wants things a certain way- and will repeat things 100 times in hopes of getting his point across. 

So yesterday we were at his favorite park known as Fire Truck Park, and Britt found a stick that he wanted to bring home.  Since we already have a collection of sticks a mile long in the back yard, I nixed that idea and put him in the car seat.

That's when the fun began.

"No Mommy!!  I want my dick!"

Obviously I knew what he meant- but he screamed this at the top of his lungs as I was trying to buckle him in, so we were quite the spectacle to the rest of the park crowd.

"Mommy- where's my dick?  Give me my big dick!  I want my big dick!  Now!"

I started to get the giggles so intensely, that I almost couldn't latch his belt.  I looked over my shoulder hoping that nobody else had heard, and saw one mother glaring at me with a frown.  First of all, I wanted to tell her to get laid or get bent for not having a better sense of humor.  I mean, who were we disturbing?  Okay- so her 3 year old daughter was hearing the word "dick"- but I doubt she knows what that is- (and if she does, then she shouldn't be frowning at me!)  

As I contemplated getting in her grill and telling her to kiss my ass, I decided to stay "spiritual" and resist the urge.  Her crabbiness was her business- and as Don Miguel Ruiz said in his book The Four Agreements- I should "not take it personally".  Other people's reactions have nothing to do with me.

I hurried into my car with my very pissed off three year old gaining momentum and started to drive away.

"My BIG DICK!!  Mommy- where is my big dick?  GIVE ME MY DICK!!  MYYYYY DICK.  MYYYYY DICK."

I know this is such potty humor, but hey- when you have a miniature person saying very adult words at full volume- it's pretty damn hilarious.

I called my husband to tell him of our whereabouts, but he didn't pick up the phone.  So I did my best to leave a message.

"We are leaving Fire Truck Park now....GIVE ME MY DICK!!!!  Um- Britt's a little upset... MY BIG DICK.  MY BIG DICK!

We made it home, but I don't think Britt took a breath for the whole 7 minute drive.  I tried to count the amount of times he said "dick", but I stopped keeping track after 27.

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When he got into our back yard and started playing with his other "dicks"- he soon forgot about the one from the Fire Truck Park.  

But hours later when I was reading him a story after his bath, he looked into my eyes- and reminded me with a whisper that he remembers everything.

"Mommy- tomorrow we can go and get my big dick.  Tweeeease?"

How can I say 'no' to that?  After all- he said 'tweeeease'.

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4 Comments

Marc Felion said:

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Wait to he actually learns swear words because the funny thing about kids when they swear, they know exactly how to use those words.

elly said:

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OMG, this just made my day. He's adorable, and I can't wait to see what he comes up with next :)

sujay48@sbcglobal.net said:

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Hey, save this story for Britt until his adolescent years

Jen Weigel said:

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I was thinking of saving it for something big like graduation or his wedding day...

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