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Black Women Are Shocked That Tiger Woods has a Penis!

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Girls & Toys

I am the master of my domain. Whatever that is.

Tiger Woods (Feature - Small)
I admit that I am one of the gazillions of women of color who are completely in awe of this Tiger Woods fiasco. Who knew that Tiger Woods had a penis?
Perhaps Mr. Woods is the most asexual being that has walked the green.

When Tiger's alleged transgressions surfaced, we were shocked. Not because Tiger is such an upstanding guy, and a super pro-golfer, but because never in a million years did we suspect that he had a penis.

For the record, I still don't believe it.

To be honest, the typical woman of color would never suspect that Tiger Woods had a penis, and this widespread blindspot to Tiger's sex organ isn't about his looks, he's handsome. It isn't about his bling, he has plenty of that. And it isn't in retaliation of the race-rejection thing--although clearly Tiger would never date Keisha or Shanequa. 

So what is the problem?

Tiger Woods is a sexy name--sexy as hell if it were pinned to some other guy, like, say, Chet Coppock.  Now THAT'S a sexy name. Try saying that five times really fast.

But the Tiger Woods that wears the sexy name suffers a general lack of swagger and that neutralizes his sex appeal potential.

Swagger can't be bought or sold...

And swagger comes in all shades, shapes and sizes--Idris Elba has swagger. Bono has swagger. Gary Sinise has swagger (Gary is from Blue Island, Ill., by the way!) Elvis had swagger. And of course James Brown was the king of Swaggerville. 
Bad boys have swagger. Choir boys have swagger. The ultimate combination would be Robert DeNiro's portrayal of Father Bobby in the film, Sleepers--the beloved neighborhood priest who could have made a life as a wiseguy. That's swagger.

But does Tiger have swagger? Hell-to-the-no.

The amazing thing is, even after Tiger's admitted 'transgressions' and the endless parade of blonde & bronzed alleged mistresses, I STILL can't believe that he has a penis.
He has kids. He has a hellcat of a wife. He has the pimped-out ride with the mile-wide rims.

But still, no swagger.

Thus, if the Battery Operated Boyfriend was granted the wish to become a real boy one day, he'd be like Tiger.

A Tiger not prone to transgression, that is.



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30 Comments

imoretull said:

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Tiger is good one on one, not in a public setting b/c he happens to be very shy. Women, especially, one on one, can feel Tiger's intensity and emotion. But, he hides it real well from the public, because he is shy by nature. Trust me, I know all too well. He's pretty much a natural seducer, but will not display it in public. These guys have high sexual energy, but you can get a glimpse of it when he's really into golf and when you notice the super intense EYES...girls love that stuff. They are seducer eyes. Women have no idea they are being seduced in the first place most of the time!

Got it. Good.

imoretull said:

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Women may say they know what gets them all hot and bothered by a man, but in reality, they have no idea. It's a secret language that only a few men possess. Sometimes it's the shy ones to really watch out for. Tiger, Jeter, Shakespeare, Depp, real life Pacino all have it. They may appear like fools or awkward, but in private they are passionate, personable people who women can relate to. Not the loud funny guy, or the bad boy.

Girls & Toys said:

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Imoretull,
Your comment is so on point. You DO know what you're speaking of, but... well... I am still unconvinced that he has a penis.
=0)

imoretull said:

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Just a clarification, and a little more in-depth. I truly think Tiger and Jeter were NOT natural womanizers growing up, reading somewhere, both were painfully shy. So too, with Al Pacino, Robert DeNiro, and Johnny Depp. These kind of guys are those so shy in high school, they would sit in the back of the classroom, doodle, listen to music, or play an instrument, or a sport for an outlet. All of them have 'intense feeling' as their core, but are not choir boys either, just very independent. That doesn't translate into being good with the opposite sex, but because they were forced into talking with many people, giving interviews, etc,...the natural charm came out, especially in private. Women to be seduced need pretty much two things: comfort and emotion. Bad boys create a range of feeling in women; so do musicians, and the funny guy.

Tiger was a borderline nerd in high school, very self-conscious and lacked confidence, but over time, learned he could feel quite at home with women. The problem is, these dudes get depressed/feel trapped as soon as routine sets in, making them less likely to be husband/family types. Their openness to new experiences, intense feeling, are too fleeting for family oriented behavior, especially without experience, being older, and maturity. They are NOT true naturals, like Casanova, or more overt playas like Charlie Sheen, Elvis, and the ones you mentioned in your article..., but very shy at the core. You never see Robert DeNiro or Al Pacino give interviews because of their shyness, but are seducers if in the same room with ONE woman. I think Tiger had good intentions marrying, but realized very quickly the boredom and responsibility that was required. It could drive those 'types' into depression, without a creative outlet. The 'feeling' need was trying to be fulfilled by sleeping around with women. What's disappointing is what he did to his kids. I'm a bit surprised about that.

I hope he goes on Oprah, lol. Watch very closely how self-conscious he gets. It is very unattractive to the opposite sex, but if you put him on Oprah ten times, by the tenth time, he'll put on a charming display of humor and wit, surpassing other 'types' because subconsciously, they 'act out' a more confident persona.

Tiger may not be every ladies cup of tea, maybe a little too soft. And poor wife. He should of just been a real man, and gotten a divorce instead of being shady.

Girls & Toys said:

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I am still reading over the comment, because it is very deep. On your first sentence we are in agreement... I really don't believe in natural born womanizers at all.

Fernando Diaz said:

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Can someone learn to "swagger?" I mean, Tiger wasn't born with the swing (no pun intended) he has today, so could he get a swagger coach? Maybe Obama could teach him a thing or two. He was conspicuously absent from your list of Swaggeratti.

Girls & Toys said:

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Prior to the SNL Tiger Woods skit, YOU could have taken him to Swagger University. But now, well, no.

imoretull said:

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Girls & Toys: You're probably right; I think so also, although some men are more in-tuned to the feminine by nature. Hopefully, twenty other people can join in on the conversation, so you can write a book about all this, get on Oprah, blah, blah.... You started it.

Maya Henderson said:

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With the exception of Gary Sinise having swagger (gross), I could not agree MORE with this blog post! I, too am in disbelief that Tiger Woods has a penis. I still don't believe it. Imoretull makes great points in general about perceptions and outward appearances but I still see absolutely nothing sexy, manly or intense about Tiger.
www.chicagonow.com/breath

imoretull said:

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Interesting discussion so far. I would hate to post a link to youtube, but it's the best way to describe Tiger/Jeter/Depp/Pacino/etc...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G0cmBAXXM5U

At 3:10 Depp tells a story. Ignore his looks/clothing for a second, and notice how personable he gets, how he expresses himself. Now, Jeter/Tiger will not display this in a public setting, will appear awkward and stiff, and a woman would be bored to tears, but imagine he was your co-worker, and unassumingly, and very comfortably, engaged this way, to you, for a few days. You'll realize that you can be yourself for a change, and talk about yourself in much personal way to HIM. Well, that's the type of vibe these guys give off once you get to know them. Some girls may not like it, but many will, because all they are doing is expressing their emotions and experiences. Once again, these types of dudes may not be what a woman want; some women desire a stronger, tougher male, or perhaps a provider type, or more adventurous. It depends on the woman.

Girls & Toys said:

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Maya,
LOL!!! Please believe that Gary Sinise floats some lady's boat! =0)
I am heading to your blog right now...

ChicagoShowDog said:

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That penis was supposed to belong to his WIFE. It's pathetic that a man would disregard his marriage vows. Meanwhile, his wife is pregnant and raising their baby, he's out cheating on her. He is an adulterer and I have no respect for them... Get a divorce, or be faithful.

Apparently you don't need swagger when you're extremely rich, whorish women will still throw themselves at ya.

Girls & Toys said:

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ChicagoDogGal,
"Get a divorce or be faithful." Would make a hot sticker. Please print them up. Use your profile pic, it is the cutest!

Bill80 said:

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hey, zondra, great to have you on ChicagoNow. i see you are making a big impact already.

Girls & Toys said:

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Hey Bill!
Fernando didn't warn us that ChicagoNow was so addictive...

Steven M. Johnson said:

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I tried to stay off the "Tiger" subject. I tried to refrain from jumping on the "Tiger media frenzy."
I tried, I tried, ... I TRIED. But, the writer of the blog has done what so many women have done in the past. Publicly emasculated one of their own. If you want to read my full response, click the link to go to my blog. Also on ChicagoNow. http://www.chicagonow.com/blogs/ndigo-my-minds-eye/2009/12/i-tried-to-stay-off.html

Jean A. Williams said:

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LOL! I have never, not once, considered Tiger Woods', um, woody! It just never occurred to me to think about it. Not even amid all this scandal talk. Until now. So thanks a lot, Zondra!

On a more serious note: I don't put any behavior past any human being. The flesh, as the old folks have always said, is weak. I will not get on a soapbox and pledge more piety than thou. Or is it thee? No matter: Those folks often are the first to tumble, face first, into the muck.

In other words: There are no saints walking this earth, New Orleans' football team notwithstanding. So we should be at most be yawning at these stories, not further sensationalizing them.

Girls & Toys said:

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Jean,
I'm heading over to your blog right now! For the record, it's husbands like Tiger that make women trade up for toys.Geez.

imoretull said:

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Here is Holly Sampson (the porn star) talk about Tiger Woods... listen to her say,
"I have to say he was really good" and "he was the perfect gentlemen" ...and this is from a porn star! Of all people, SHE would know what great sex is.

As you can see, there is another side of Tiger nobody knows. Who would of thought Tiger was a perfect gentlemen. A terrible husband, but a great LOVER....

http://www.examiner.com/x-12837-US-Headlines-Examiner~y2009m12d10-Tiger-Woods-update-Porn-star-Holly-Sampson-says-she-had-sex-with-Tiger-Woods--watch-video-here

Girls & Toys said:

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Ewwww... Ewwww... Ewww...

Jean A. Williams said:

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Oh ... forgive my typos, please. It's nearly 2 a.m. Time for bed, and no doubt dreams about Tiger's member.

vaughnchicago said:

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Try not to be too hard on Tiger. There so many folks out there that have been waiting for him to fall on his face for a long time. I'm sure that are filled with glee.

Girls & Toys said:

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Vaughnchicago,

I don't know how to be hard on anyone I'm a softy. :0)
Thank you for your comment, will definitely keep that in mind.

LiveinChina said:

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Thank the gods for the internet LOL... living here in China there has not been a word in Print or on TV.. CCTV...about Tiger's hole by hole replays...I guess the Chinese don't really care...and one writer for the Shanghaidaily who is doing a part-time gig in the US...did mention that there was some www sites that were indecent for they had the gall to mention someones sexual encounters... oh well... however most men who read these exploits are really angery...angery that they could not have 10?? or more little play toys like Tiger...and I sense a bit of jealousy on the part of all the black woman who write blogs etc.. that THEY were not one of the 'chosen' ones LOL.. ah such is life... enjoy every moment Tiger...when your 65 no one will even care...

Girls & Toys said:

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I love CHINA! And you are right, thank GOD for the internet! =0)

imoretull said:

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It's a stretch, but I wouldn't be surprised if Tiger QUIT golf for a long time. There is no way he would allow his wife to get a divorce and split the kids up. Without his kids, golf means nothing.

tiger's wood said:

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That Tiger does not have a penis because he has no "swagger" is asinine. If gangsters would look at the etymology of the word "swagger," they would see it has a negative connotation. It means to conduct oneself in an arrogant or superciliously pompous manner. Why do so many ghetto people want swagger? Only ghetto people are proud to conduct themselves in this manner. It's no wonder why Tiger Woods doesn't want to be associated with the ghetto community. No educated person of color (or lack of color) should want swagger. Swagger is something sought after by hip hop rappers, welfare recipients, and the poorly educated. I sure hope I do not have any swagger. What other words have you misused that can be attributable to listening to your idiotic hip hop music.

Girls & Toys said:

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Tiger's Wood,

Thank you for stopping by and adding your worthwhile comments to the collective body of knowledge. We are all forever upgraded by your presence. By the way, I listen to Steely Dan; let's not judge a book by its color.
=0)

Wick said:

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TW makes an interesting point, but another way to look at it might go as follows. Gals digging a guy with "swagger" might merely signify that they're into a guy who is confident, assured and comfortable with who he is.

From either gender's perspective, who isn't turned on by that? I love a funny, witty and sharp babe with some style and edge to her - so I'm not sure it's fair to blanket-castigate an entire group of people for a matter that really boils down to semantics ... since most people of all races (and genders) are attracted to those with self-confidence.

brianguy said:

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I don't buy the swagger argument. Tiger is quite the fist pumper ala MJ. maybe he just wears really, really tight underwear but others seemed to notice he did not have any problems in that dept. however, he should have been at home reserving that for Mrs. Woods

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