Food Fight

Jay Cutler Has Balls

When it comes to sports, Chicago fans take pride in acting stupidly.

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Sox fans hate Cubs fans. Cubs fans don't even acknowledge the existence of Sox fans. Basically, it's a healthy relationship.

At this point in my life, I'm not a fan of anyone. I'm a businessman. So I like whatever team is generating a fake boom in an economy which can only be called a total bust.

That's what you get when you fund 2 simultaneous wars with tax cuts. Anyway...

As a businessman, as a grown up, as an American, I take pride in hating both teams: Republicans & Democrats. Wish I could dump beer on all of those overpaid idiots. 

Speaking of overpaid idiots, welcome Jay Cutler. I probably shouldn't call him an idiot, since I don't know if it's true. But he's definitely overpaid.

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Unlike my hero, Sid Luckman. Sid played ball the way I cook, which is to say, for love of the game. Plus rent.

Maybe if we got back to the idea of caring about what we did more than caring about how much we made, the universe would regain it's balance, and the Cubbies would break the 100 year curse.

Nah.

Jay Cutler comes to us from Colorado. After graduating from the University of Illinois, a bunch of guys from my fraternity spent a year in Colorado: skiing every day, smoking dope every day and going broke. It was heaven.

The dish du jour was Rocky Mountain Oysters. Eating them was a rite of passage. Especially for frat boys from Champaign-Urbana who still hadn't made peace with how much we enjoyed showering together in the frat house. 

You see, Rocky Mountain Oysters is code for Cow Balls. Knowing what they are, and putting them in your mouth, is a step, an important step, in growing up. 

Here's what I mean, in mile-high-logic: if being open minded is a step away from thinking like a group, which is the joy of being a fraternity brother, then swallowing reality is a step toward thinking for yourself, which is the joy of manning up.

Welcome to Chicago, Jay. Please enjoy my recipe for Rocky Mountain Oysters.

INGREDIENTS


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Calf Testicles with Tough Outer Skin Removed


Water Salty like the Sea


Pot of Water with Cup of Cider Vinegar


Salt & Pepper


1 Cup Flour


Sprinkle of Garlic Powder


Sprinkle of Cayenne

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2 Cups Buttermilk


1 Cup Cornmeal


Lard (for deep frying)


Joey's Homemade Baton Rouge Hot Sauce


INSTRUCTIONS


Soak Testicles in Water,

salty like the sea, for 1 hour


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Simmer the Testicles in the Vinegary Water

for 5 minutes


Let Cool in above Water

overnight


Mix the Flour, Garlic Powder and Cayenne,

toss slices in seasoned flour


Dip the Medallions into Buttermilk,

then into cornmeal to coat


Deep-Fry the Slices until Golden Brown,

about 2 minutes

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Serve Directly from the Fryer


Open Your Mind


Swallow Reality


Email Joey to get his Baton Rouge Hot Sauce and Incriminating Pictures from His Days as a Frat Boy in Sigma Alpha Mu

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30 Comments

Walnut said:

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Oh football players always playing with balls

Joey Morelli said:

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Playing with balls and swatting each other on the fanny.

Walnut said:

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I hear he throws big balls

Joey Morelli said:

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Tickle. Never throw.

Walnut said:

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or simmer them in vinegar

Greg Morelli said:

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...and toss...

Walnut said:

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If Cutler played with balls in the Mile high city does that mean he's a memeber of the Mile High Club?

Joey Morelli said:

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It makes him a Mile High Bottom.

Walnut said:

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Enjoy some of his Schweaty Balls

Joey Morelli said:

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Cutler's Schweaty Balls, the follow up product to Chef's Chocolate Salted Balls. Those Gay Keebler Elves, always cooking up something special.

Babs said:

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Are you guys now gonna join the sports nuts in this city and write about sports crap? There's enuf sports doodoo on chicagonow. Skip the sports and write about more interesting stuff!

Greg Morelli said:

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War, Recession, Town Hall Crazies, Racists calling themselves Birthers. Every now and then, sports doodoo saves the day.

Joey Morelli said:

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opinions are like...

Walnut said:

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Balls 50% of the population has them and the other half wonders what they are good for.

Greg Morelli said:

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They're good for starting a restaurant, and not much else.

Walnut said:

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JOey and Greg have a lot of balls to juggle in the news game...right now football is local news.

Greg Morelli said:

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I don't care how many balls you have in the air, do NOT drop the ball on seeing "Inglourious Basterds." By the way, that is how you spell it:

http://www.google.com/hostednews/canadianpress/article/ALeqM5gzHzLWVh7etr86mv8LpGgJ3n8EFA

Walnut said:

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sometimes you drop balls for a special reason

Greg Morelli said:

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Tears & Popcorn.

Walnut said:

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It's Popcorn and Tears

Greg Morelli said:

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Tears & Popcorn. It's better to end on an upbeat.

Walnut said:

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but the other way flows better

Walnut said:

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Birthers are just players who lost their balls

Joey Morelli said:

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And their sheets. And their nooses. And their daddy's wouldn't let them in dance class.

Walnut said:

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Too bad they never learned a proper shuffle ball change

Greg Morelli said:

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You can't lynch when you're in the 4th Position: feet turned out, heel of one foot is placed close to the toe of other foot, so the legs are crossed.


Walnut said:

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In a recession Balls are always a twofer

Joey Morelli said:

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Less filing. Tastes great.

Walnut said:

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Isn't this post just a Cock and Bull Story to share out love of all things played with balls

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