Food Fight

Happy Birthday, Mister President

I was born in America. But I would make a terrible president. 

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I'd tax churches to cover the cost of health care. If you love the meek, cover the meek.

I'd end the war on terror. I'd end the war on drugs. I'd declare war on war. I'd bring our boys and girls in uniform home in time to watch the Cubbies blow it again.

I'd switch the order of the 1st and 2nd Amendment to reflect our true priorities. I'd take Dick Cheney hunting for quail. I'd arm the quail with semi-automatics and call it even.

I'd kick Karl Rove out of the closet. I'd kick Clarence Thomas off the bench. I'd kick Jerome Coris as hard as I could, right in the tucas.

I was born in America, like Barack Obama. It's the only thing we have in common because while I'd make a terrible president, he's fantastic. Happy Birthday, Mister President.
My mother was not born in America.

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On the way to World War II, her father, my Grandpa Bernie, was stationed briefly in Australia, where he met Heather Hamilton, who later became my mom's mom, and much-much-later became my Grandma Heather.

When the war ended, Grandpa Bernie went back to Australia, married Grandma Heather and had my mom.

Actually, the order went more like this: they got pregnant and had to get married. Good Ole Grandpa Bernie!

So my mom could not be president. If she ran, her candidacy would violate the constitution.

Even though she was born to an American Soldier who went overseas, putting his young-life on the line to eradicate bad mustaches. Incidentally, Adolf Hitler, unlike Osama Bin Laden, didn't hate us for our freedom. He hated us for our matza ball soup. 

Meshuggener.

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There are so many things our constitution got wrong, like: women couldn't vote and blacks were 3/5ths of a person. So let's not glorify our founding fathers. The best thing they did was say these words, "All Men Are Created Equal." They said this while wearing wigs. 

Our founding fathers were drag queens. God Bless America!

When Jeorme Corsi and the Birthers try and argue the validity of Barack Obama's presidency on a rule that would make it impossible for my mom to be president, I feel compelled to stick up for Barack Obama, and more importantly, my mom.

She would make a great president: tough, fair, loving as hell, and way, waaaay hotter than Sarah Palin. My mom would make a great Commander-In-Chick. I don't care where she was born, she loves this country even when it's acting stupidly, especially when it's acting stupidly.

How do I know this? Because she's still loves me: the king of acting stoooopidly.

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Happy Birthday, Barack. Please allow me to blow out the candles, and wish...

I wish for the end of 2 simultaneous wars funded with tax cuts. Next time we ask our boys and girls in uniform to give their lives, I wish for a president with the chutzpah to ask the American People to give their nickles and dimes.

I wish for single-payer health care and the end of pre-existing conditions. Life is a pre-existing condition and it pisses me off when my brother Joey worries about losing his health insurance because he's worked so hard in the kitchen, his legs are giving out.

I wish for term limits, and the end of Coke & Pepsi Politics, where famous last names like Bush, Clinton, Daley are treated like royalty in a country born with a healthy contempt for thrones.

Truth is, I always wanted to be president. I wouldn't even mind being a terrible president. As long as I tried as hard as I possibly could. Unfortunately, the truth is, I could never be president in America.

Maybe I'll run in Kenya.

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2 Comments

Babs said:

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OMG I'm scared!! What's wrong with me? I AGREE with everything you said!! We are finally on the same page, figuratively and actually!! We are on the same page!

Joey Morelli said:

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Joey's Brother Greg for President of Kenya. I'll even pay to ship you there, if you promise to leave tomorrow. Good riddance!

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