Tag: Illness

Grieving Love with Intention

I took this picture the night before Mike’s 34th birthday. He fell asleep holding my hand. It’s two months today that Mike has been gone. Dead. Insert euphemism of choice here. Sometimes it feels like it’s been forever. And sometimes a card comes in the mail from somebody I don’t know and I pull my... Read more »

A Eulogy for My Husband, Michael Thomas Grover

A Eulogy for My Husband, Michael Thomas Grover
Everything I needed to know about Mike, I learned on our first date. He took the train from Evanston for dinner at my apartment, a tiny studio on the worst corner in the worst neighborhood he’d ever set foot in. We’d been talking online for months, exchanging long letters about everything and nothing. We wrote... Read more »

The End

The End
Just after midnight on Sunday morning, my husband died. I’m struggling to say that word, “died.” It seems harsh. Too brutal. There are so many euphemisms, “passed,” “departed,” “transitioned.” They all try to hide the horror we all seem to have at the idea of death. But Mike wouldn’t have wanted that. He wasn’t afraid... Read more »
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Waiting for the End

Waiting for the End
I have, over the last fourteen years, had many feelings about Mike’s inevitable death. Terror, anger, confusion, grief… What I never expected was to spend his last weeks overcome with gratitude. I have lost count of the things I am grateful for, and all of them come down to what I know about glioblastoma and... Read more »

Our Last New Year's Eve

Our Last New Year's Eve
My relationship with December 31 has never exactly been pleasant. The first New Year’s Eve I can really remember commemorating was at my best friend’s house. She and I sat up for hours through the night as she sobbed on her kitchen floor, begging me to convert to Christianity because she didn’t want to die... Read more »

On Mike Ending Treatment

On Mike Ending Treatment
This letter took me weeks of drafting, rewriting, waiting on changes from Mike, waiting on any kind of confirmation from appointments and scans… This is the most difficult thing I have ever written, and the thing I may be proudest of having gotten right. I am sharing it here because I think there is something... Read more »
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When All You Have Is Time

When All You Have Is Time
Imagine a wave… I am twenty, and a behemoth of a man has entered my apartment. He is tentative, awkward. Not at all smooth, not suave, not confident, but smiling bravely. I can see I terrify him, although he outweighs me by a hundred pounds, although he’s a foot taller. He tries not to offend... Read more »

This Election is a Loaded Gun

This Election is a Loaded Gun
I’m going to be 100% honest right now. What’s on the ballot right now includes the Affordable Care Act and Social Security. And yet there are people who say they love Mike but are voting for Trump. Trump SAYS he has a plan, but the only plans he’s ever demonstrated are, “get rid of Obamacare,”... Read more »

Colposcopy and the Hippocampus, or, Your Stress is Killing You

Colposcopy and the Hippocampus, or, Your Stress is Killing You
“You need to reduce your stress,” my doctor said. She said this at the tail end of a paragraph about all the things I wasn’t supposed to do in the aftermath of my procedure. I was not supposed to exercise, not even yoga. I was not supposed to soak in a hot bath. I was... Read more »
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The Inevitability of Hope and Change

The Inevitability of Hope and Change
I am standing beside my daughter’s bed, having a serious talk about school. She has no idea what her math homework is. She has no idea where her math homework is. She doesn’t pay attention in class, instead, she watches the students’ chats go by, which are silly and confusing. “One of the boys just... Read more »