Tag: Fear

Somehow the Same Old New Things

Somehow the Same Old New Things
Normally, I’m pretty unfiltered, but I filter a lot these days. I don’t know what parts of my newly widowed life people can handle and what parts they can’t. I’m so used to compartmentalizing that it comes easily, but the fact is, my life is complicated and I’m a little frayed around the edges. It... Read more »

On Grief and Vertigo

On Grief and Vertigo
For the last six weeks, I’ve had vertigo. There are reasons for it, some self-inflicted, some accidental. Vaccine reactions. Ear surgery. New and increased prescriptions in my glasses. Migraines. More vaccine reactions. Swelling from having the stitches removed from my ears. Medication side effects. It’s not typically a mystery. Regardless of the cause, each step... Read more »

Gifts from my Husband

Gifts from my Husband
My husband’s ashes are in a very nice box on my mantle. I never expected to be the sort of person who said things like that. My husband’s ashes are in a very nice box, on my mantle, and it’s becoming a little bit of a memorial. His cousin sent him a Dad-Joke-A-Day calendar, and... Read more »
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The End

The End
Just after midnight on Sunday morning, my husband died. I’m struggling to say that word, “died.” It seems harsh. Too brutal. There are so many euphemisms, “passed,” “departed,” “transitioned.” They all try to hide the horror we all seem to have at the idea of death. But Mike wouldn’t have wanted that. He wasn’t afraid... Read more »

This Election is a Loaded Gun

This Election is a Loaded Gun
I’m going to be 100% honest right now. What’s on the ballot right now includes the Affordable Care Act and Social Security. And yet there are people who say they love Mike but are voting for Trump. Trump SAYS he has a plan, but the only plans he’s ever demonstrated are, “get rid of Obamacare,”... Read more »

Colposcopy and the Hippocampus, or, Your Stress is Killing You

Colposcopy and the Hippocampus, or, Your Stress is Killing You
“You need to reduce your stress,” my doctor said. She said this at the tail end of a paragraph about all the things I wasn’t supposed to do in the aftermath of my procedure. I was not supposed to exercise, not even yoga. I was not supposed to soak in a hot bath. I was... Read more »
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The Inevitability of Hope and Change

The Inevitability of Hope and Change
I am standing beside my daughter’s bed, having a serious talk about school. She has no idea what her math homework is. She has no idea where her math homework is. She doesn’t pay attention in class, instead, she watches the students’ chats go by, which are silly and confusing. “One of the boys just... Read more »

Truth, Lies, and Selfies

Truth, Lies, and Selfies
Over the last three months, I’ve spent a lot of time on Snapchat. I know, right, what is it, 2012? But I have. And on my public Snapchat, Mike and kids rarely appear. On Snapchat, my life looks… kind of good. Lots of selfies (my hair has been AMAZING in quarantine, and between my eating restrictions from... Read more »

100 Ways to Die, or, Kids and Glioblastoma in the Age of Coronavirus

100 Ways to Die, or, Kids and Glioblastoma in the Age of Coronavirus
When the twins were babies, there was a tornado outbreak across Illinois, Iowa, and Indiana. For weeks the local news cycled back to it, and I remember vividly a story about the children of demolished towns playing “tornado” with their toys, making sense of a world full of chaos and destruction by turning it into a... Read more »
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Complications of Cancer and Coronavirus

Complications of Cancer and Coronavirus
  Mike spent a few days in the hospital this week. His brain was bleeding. This isn’t exactly to say cancer treatment isn’t going well. It’s not going badly. But there have been complications. With clotting problems, and bleeding problems, and balance problems, and random fevers, and bad medication reactions, and the fact that we’re... Read more »