Tag: Depression

The Weight of the Sky

The Weight of the Sky
There’s a heaviness in the air. Storms blow through, and in between the sky is steely and dense, and the humidity is so high you have to chew each breath to swallow it down. I feel as though the air is crushing me, pressing on my chest, blinding me. But everything is fine, I say,... Read more »

It's fine. I'm fine. Everything is fine.

It's fine. I'm fine. Everything is fine.
I turned 37 last Tuesday. It was hard not to notice that my birthday was 100 days after Mike died. It was hard not to notice I was becoming the age my sister was when she died. I have, as my therapist puts it, a tendency to look at things in a reality-based way. Fact:... Read more »

Our Last New Year's Eve

Our Last New Year's Eve
My relationship with December 31 has never exactly been pleasant. The first New Year’s Eve I can really remember commemorating was at my best friend’s house. She and I sat up for hours through the night as she sobbed on her kitchen floor, begging me to convert to Christianity because she didn’t want to die... Read more »
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Colposcopy and the Hippocampus, or, Your Stress is Killing You

Colposcopy and the Hippocampus, or, Your Stress is Killing You
“You need to reduce your stress,” my doctor said. She said this at the tail end of a paragraph about all the things I wasn’t supposed to do in the aftermath of my procedure. I was not supposed to exercise, not even yoga. I was not supposed to soak in a hot bath. I was... Read more »

The Inevitability of Hope and Change

The Inevitability of Hope and Change
I am standing beside my daughter’s bed, having a serious talk about school. She has no idea what her math homework is. She has no idea where her math homework is. She doesn’t pay attention in class, instead, she watches the students’ chats go by, which are silly and confusing. “One of the boys just... Read more »

Truth, Lies, and Selfies

Truth, Lies, and Selfies
Over the last three months, I’ve spent a lot of time on Snapchat. I know, right, what is it, 2012? But I have. And on my public Snapchat, Mike and kids rarely appear. On Snapchat, my life looks… kind of good. Lots of selfies (my hair has been AMAZING in quarantine, and between my eating restrictions from... Read more »
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Complications of Cancer and Coronavirus

Complications of Cancer and Coronavirus
  Mike spent a few days in the hospital this week. His brain was bleeding. This isn’t exactly to say cancer treatment isn’t going well. It’s not going badly. But there have been complications. With clotting problems, and bleeding problems, and balance problems, and random fevers, and bad medication reactions, and the fact that we’re... Read more »

An Unfiltered and Exhausted Reflection on My Recently Deceased Sister

An Unfiltered and Exhausted Reflection on My Recently Deceased Sister
One of the most formative moments of my life was the afternoon my older sister first tried to kill herself. I was sixteen, a college student, in the middle of a studio art class I adored. My cell phone rang and I took it into the hall. It was my younger sister, in a rush... Read more »

A Conversation with my Suicidal Teenaged Self

A Conversation with my Suicidal Teenaged Self
It’s National Suicide Prevention Week. If you are in crisis, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) or contact the Crisis Text Line by texting TALK to 741741.     When I was fourteen, I tried to end my life. I had been deeply depressed for a long, long time. I felt nobody understood, and... Read more »
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Living with Depression and Learning Self-Care

Living with Depression and Learning Self-Care
      The first time I heard the word “depression” and understood it, I understood that I was depressed. I was probably about eleven years old, and it put a name to the thing that had been plaguing me for so long it seemed my defining characteristic. I can remember people, adults, telling me... Read more »