Category: Mental Illness

Somehow the Same Old New Things

Somehow the Same Old New Things
Normally, I’m pretty unfiltered, but I filter a lot these days. I don’t know what parts of my newly widowed life people can handle and what parts they can’t. I’m so used to compartmentalizing that it comes easily, but the fact is, my life is complicated and I’m a little frayed around the edges. It... Read more »

On Grief and Vertigo

On Grief and Vertigo
For the last six weeks, I’ve had vertigo. There are reasons for it, some self-inflicted, some accidental. Vaccine reactions. Ear surgery. New and increased prescriptions in my glasses. Migraines. More vaccine reactions. Swelling from having the stitches removed from my ears. Medication side effects. It’s not typically a mystery. Regardless of the cause, each step... Read more »

When All You Have Is Time

When All You Have Is Time
Imagine a wave… I am twenty, and a behemoth of a man has entered my apartment. He is tentative, awkward. Not at all smooth, not suave, not confident, but smiling bravely. I can see I terrify him, although he outweighs me by a hundred pounds, although he’s a foot taller. He tries not to offend... Read more »
Advertisement:

Colposcopy and the Hippocampus, or, Your Stress is Killing You

Colposcopy and the Hippocampus, or, Your Stress is Killing You
“You need to reduce your stress,” my doctor said. She said this at the tail end of a paragraph about all the things I wasn’t supposed to do in the aftermath of my procedure. I was not supposed to exercise, not even yoga. I was not supposed to soak in a hot bath. I was... Read more »

Truth, Lies, and Selfies

Truth, Lies, and Selfies
Over the last three months, I’ve spent a lot of time on Snapchat. I know, right, what is it, 2012? But I have. And on my public Snapchat, Mike and kids rarely appear. On Snapchat, my life looks… kind of good. Lots of selfies (my hair has been AMAZING in quarantine, and between my eating restrictions from... Read more »

An Unfiltered and Exhausted Reflection on My Recently Deceased Sister

An Unfiltered and Exhausted Reflection on My Recently Deceased Sister
One of the most formative moments of my life was the afternoon my older sister first tried to kill herself. I was sixteen, a college student, in the middle of a studio art class I adored. My cell phone rang and I took it into the hall. It was my younger sister, in a rush... Read more »
Advertisement:

There is no Doctor for a Broken Heart

There is no Doctor for a Broken Heart
If you follow me on social media (Instagram and Facebook especially, although also MeWe and Twitter), you’ll know we’re having an insanely expensive January, in terms of medical costs. Honestly, all of our Januaries are expensive, our health insurance deductible resets, and we start from scratch. Usually, we hit our $5K deductible in February. This year,... Read more »

A Conversation with my Suicidal Teenaged Self

A Conversation with my Suicidal Teenaged Self
It’s National Suicide Prevention Week. If you are in crisis, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) or contact the Crisis Text Line by texting TALK to 741741.     When I was fourteen, I tried to end my life. I had been deeply depressed for a long, long time. I felt nobody understood, and... Read more »

The Nightmares That Don't End

The Nightmares That Don't End
Content warning: This is a post about PTSD and sexual trauma, among other things.   After my sexual assault when I was fourteen, I attempted suicide. It’s hard to describe the feeling of a simultaneous overdose on contraindicating substances, but it left me with a feeling of physical unreality that took months to begin to pass.... Read more »
Advertisement:

Anxiety and Abandonment, A Tale of Mothering Woe

Anxiety and Abandonment, A Tale of Mothering Woe
Until we were only an hour away, I wasn’t worried. There had been no time for doubt to crawl inside me, and I hadn’t even bothered to ask the girls if they were scared. But they were. They were worried they wouldn’t make friends. They were worried they wouldn’t like the food. They had never... Read more »