Category: Depresssion

Too Much to Carry

Too Much to Carry
It has been a long few months. Those of you who follow me on Instagram are probably a little familiar with my ongoing struggle to internalize my grief. It’s hard to explain what has been so hard about this, so I’ve attempted to visualize it… poorly, but still. When Mike was originally diagnosed, it was... Read more »

The Weight of the Sky

The Weight of the Sky
There’s a heaviness in the air. Storms blow through, and in between the sky is steely and dense, and the humidity is so high you have to chew each breath to swallow it down. I feel as though the air is crushing me, pressing on my chest, blinding me. But everything is fine, I say,... Read more »

Somehow the Same Old New Things

Somehow the Same Old New Things
Normally, I’m pretty unfiltered, but I filter a lot these days. I don’t know what parts of my newly widowed life people can handle and what parts they can’t. I’m so used to compartmentalizing that it comes easily, but the fact is, my life is complicated and I’m a little frayed around the edges. It... Read more »
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On Grief and Vertigo

On Grief and Vertigo
For the last six weeks, I’ve had vertigo. There are reasons for it, some self-inflicted, some accidental. Vaccine reactions. Ear surgery. New and increased prescriptions in my glasses. Migraines. More vaccine reactions. Swelling from having the stitches removed from my ears. Medication side effects. It’s not typically a mystery. Regardless of the cause, each step... Read more »

Grieving Love with Intention

I took this picture the night before Mike’s 34th birthday. He fell asleep holding my hand. It’s two months today that Mike has been gone. Dead. Insert euphemism of choice here. Sometimes it feels like it’s been forever. And sometimes a card comes in the mail from somebody I don’t know and I pull my... Read more »

Gifts from my Husband

Gifts from my Husband
My husband’s ashes are in a very nice box on my mantle. I never expected to be the sort of person who said things like that. My husband’s ashes are in a very nice box, on my mantle, and it’s becoming a little bit of a memorial. His cousin sent him a Dad-Joke-A-Day calendar, and... Read more »
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The End

The End
Just after midnight on Sunday morning, my husband died. I’m struggling to say that word, “died.” It seems harsh. Too brutal. There are so many euphemisms, “passed,” “departed,” “transitioned.” They all try to hide the horror we all seem to have at the idea of death. But Mike wouldn’t have wanted that. He wasn’t afraid... Read more »

Our Last New Year's Eve

Our Last New Year's Eve
My relationship with December 31 has never exactly been pleasant. The first New Year’s Eve I can really remember commemorating was at my best friend’s house. She and I sat up for hours through the night as she sobbed on her kitchen floor, begging me to convert to Christianity because she didn’t want to die... Read more »

When All You Have Is Time

When All You Have Is Time
Imagine a wave… I am twenty, and a behemoth of a man has entered my apartment. He is tentative, awkward. Not at all smooth, not suave, not confident, but smiling bravely. I can see I terrify him, although he outweighs me by a hundred pounds, although he’s a foot taller. He tries not to offend... Read more »
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Colposcopy and the Hippocampus, or, Your Stress is Killing You

Colposcopy and the Hippocampus, or, Your Stress is Killing You
“You need to reduce your stress,” my doctor said. She said this at the tail end of a paragraph about all the things I wasn’t supposed to do in the aftermath of my procedure. I was not supposed to exercise, not even yoga. I was not supposed to soak in a hot bath. I was... Read more »