Category: Cancer

No Rest for the Weary, or, Brain Surgery, Round 4, Fight!

No Rest for the Weary, or, Brain Surgery, Round 4, Fight!
This post was written very late at night on very little sleep, my apologies for any incoherence. You know what, fuck that. I’m not sorry. This post was written before I spent two days in the ER because the poor guy also has influenza A, and I’m just beyond guilt at the way I’m expressing... Read more »

There is no Doctor for a Broken Heart

There is no Doctor for a Broken Heart
If you follow me on social media (Instagram and Facebook especially, although also MeWe and Twitter), you’ll know we’re having an insanely expensive January, in terms of medical costs. Honestly, all of our Januaries are expensive, our health insurance deductible resets, and we start from scratch. Usually, we hit our $5K deductible in February. This year,... Read more »

An Atheist Tefilah

An Atheist Tefilah
I do not generally pray. I recite the Shabbat prayers each Friday, on holidays, Yarzheits. I say the Shehecheyanu on special occasions, I respond to news of poor health with a mi shebeirach, to deaths with a mourner’s kaddish. But when it really comes down to it, I do not pray. To me the liturgy... Read more »
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Stop Telling Me to Put On My Own Oxygen Mask First

Stop Telling Me to Put On My Own Oxygen Mask First
Disclaimer: I know this is not uplifting or positive, but sometimes I don’t feel uplifting or positive. Sometimes, this shit is hard. I would be bullshitting you if I picked and chose the pretty, uplifting stuff, and left out all the ugliness and even occasional bitterness. I appreciate how often people reach out and tell me how... Read more »

The Exhaustion of the Brain Cancer Bride

The Exhaustion of the Brain Cancer Bride
People keep asking me how I am, and I do not know how to answer. How am I supposed to answer that question? What does it even mean? I am tired. Clearly. I am stressed out. Obviously. I am awed by my husband. Again and again and again and again. I am amazed by my... Read more »

When Morning Comes to the Neuro-ICU

When Morning Comes to the Neuro-ICU
The view from my husband’s room in the ICU is beautiful. Greenery, architecture; water that shimmered in crisp blues before darkening into the horizon yesterday afternoon is now the heather gray of the lightening sky, reflecting the brilliant oranges and yellows of the rising sun. It’s beautiful, but inconvenient. Laying the in ICU, he doesn’t want to... Read more »
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"What Happens if Daddy Dies?" Parenting through Glioblastoma

"What Happens if Daddy Dies?" Parenting through Glioblastoma
I just happened to be walking past while my mother was putting the kids to bed. I’ve been doing that a lot, happening to be places where people are doing things that are really my job, because there are so many people who are here to help, and I am letting them. But I popped into... Read more »

The Nightmares That Don't End

The Nightmares That Don't End
Content warning: This is a post about PTSD and sexual trauma, among other things.   After my sexual assault when I was fourteen, I attempted suicide. It’s hard to describe the feeling of a simultaneous overdose on contraindicating substances, but it left me with a feeling of physical unreality that took months to begin to pass.... Read more »

What Nobody Warns You About When Your Husband's Recurrent Glioblastoma Returns

What Nobody Warns You About When Your Husband's Recurrent Glioblastoma Returns
Gorilla Bear, please don’t read this. I mean, you can, and then you can lie to me about it, but I would much rather you just skipped this one. I love you.   You knew it would be different when it happened. This might not have been the case when his second surgery came, but... Read more »
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Playing "Would You Rather" for Brain Tumor Awareness Month

Playing "Would You Rather" for Brain Tumor Awareness Month
Recently, I find myself in need of poetry. I have drafted so many poems in these last few days. For the little boy who was killed in my community, for Sexual Assault Awareness Month, for Brain Tumor Awareness Month, for the victims of the Poway synagogue attack, for my daughters. My feelings have been so... Read more »