7 Practical Reactions for Women Being Legislated as Chattel

7 Practical Reactions for Women Being Legislated as Chattel

With Georgia, Alabama, Missouri, Ohio, Texas, et. al. doing the absolute most to revoke the bodily autonomy of the women who reside there, many reasonably outraged human beings are struggling to find ways to protest.

Dressing up like Handmaids seems a bit pointless when it’s actually the goal of these legislators to turn women into silent, subservient objects. It’s not something that shames them. Boycotting major industries that generally employ the marginalized and otherwise Democratic-voting population of those states doesn’t seem like the best available option either. So what on earth can and should the people of those states do?

Here is a brief list of the ideas floating around in my mind for what seems reasonable given the current state of affairs.

  1. Kill all rapists.* Hell, kill all suspected rapists. All accused rapists. After all, most rapes aren’t reported for more than two weeks after the rape occurs, and if it’s too late then to get an abortion and you’re going to be on the hook for murder anyway, fuck it. Kill the rapists. In for a penny, in for a pound, right? Use your God-given constitutional right to buy a fuck ton of AR-15s and mob right up to the state house and just go to town. If you’re going to be put to death (‘sup, Texas!) or locked away for life (I see you, Alabama!), might as well go down in a blaze of glory. Bonnie and Clyde that shit. Make it a girls’ trip, with t-shirts that say things like, “Live, Laugh, Lock and Load,” or “Thirty, Flirty, and Ready To Burn Your Fucking House Down.”
  2. If you work in a restaurant where any anti-choice advocates, activists, legislators, pastors, etc. come in to eat, feed them only eggs, seeds, and flowers. Oh, I’m sorry, you wanted bread with butter? Here’s a pile of grass and unpasteurized cream. See, if it DEVELOPS a while longer, it will BE bread and butter, so that’s the same thing, right? Did you want a salad? Here are some lettuce sprouts and a squirt of wet tomato seeds and a big yellow cucumber blossom. Add an olive and a splash of rotting apple juice on top for dressing. I mean, it’s not QUITE olive oil and vinegar, but it’s the POTENTIAL for olive oil and vinegar, so, same same. And you wanted to have some chicken fingers? Here’s a raw fucking egg. It’s got a nice little bloody smear in it, so you know it’s fertilized, so it’s a fully fledged chicken, isn’t it? If they order roast beef, give them raw Rocky Mountain oysters. If they attempt to leave without paying, lock them in the freezer for 99 years.
  3. Sue your lawmakers, right now, as individuals, for your pain, suffering, and lost potential income. Don’t wait to get pregnant. Don’t even wait for their new laws to be challenged in the courts. Sue them NOW, PERSONALLY. Did your state rep vote to classify you as a property of the state who can be hunted down in other states and then prosecuted for actions that you legally performed there? Sue the fuck out of them for emotional distress. Make that shit a class-action lawsuit. I’m not even IN Alabama and my therapy bills are going up. Mama needs some of that sweet litigation money. Make it rain, bitches.
  4. Rather than dressing up as Handmaids, dress up as something that outs them. Like the “wives” from Mad Max: Fury Road. Go barefoot. Be filthy. SCREAM LIKE FUCKING BANSHEES. Carry banners painted in blood. Make it clear that you are willing to die to control your own fucking life, because that’s the choice they’re forcing on us. Fuck meek, dress like you just strangled a War Boy with his own tumor-ridden entrails and you’re getting hangry. Maybe let your nips slip, nothing enrages men who want to control women like seeing nipples in an un-sexualized context. If you’re lactating, squirt milk at them. Aim for the eyes.
    Or dress as post-menopausal women. If this doesn’t render you invisible, it will make them uncomfortable.
  5. Call your legislators to get their input on literally every single one of your medical decisions. Bonus if they’re pregnancy related. “Hey, Representative Becker, I’ve got these nasty hemorrhoids. Should I install a bidet, or just get a bunch of Tucks wipes or something? I’m texting you a picture now…” “Mr. Chambliss, after my last pregnancy I developed a hiatal hernia, and now I need to choose between surgery to correct it or my career as a singer. I can’t afford a surgery that my insurance says is elective, but without it, I’ll lose my career! What do you think I should do? My burps taste like old hard-boiled eggs and I’m belching every two minutes- UUUUUUUUUUUURP- does that matter?” “Mr. Kemp, I’m suffering from postpartum depression, and I’m terrified I’ll kill myself, but there are no hospitals within a three-hour drive of my home that can help me instead of just taking the child I had even though I knew I suffered from depression because life is utterly precious and being a mother is the only thing that women can do to add value to their pointless existences only I had a girl so if I die and she grows up all fucked up with grief and confusion over my death that’s no big deal anyway because it’s not like women are people, right?” Keep them on the phone as long as possible. Read them all the numbers on all your EOBs, even if you know they don’t mean shit. Make making decisions about women’s everyday healthcare every fucking minute of their staffers’ jobs.
  6. Punch Nazis. Not exactly the most helpful in this scenario, but still cathartic.
  7. Sneak up behind them and inject them with Depo-Provera. Did you know that can cause temporary chemical castration? Now you know! And now THEY know what it’s like to have another person make choices about their reproductive systems! It’s not assault**, it’s family values! Awesome!

Godspeed, autonomous humans. Go fuck some shit up.

*Don’t kill people. Never kill people. It’s important to remember that abortion is NOT the same as murder, hence the absurdity of legislating it as murder. Abortion is the removal of zygotes, embryos, and in some cases, fetuses, but it is not murder. Murdering rapists IS murder, very much illegal and wrong, and you shouldn’t do it. But feel free to enjoy thinking about it.
**It’s definitely assault.



Read more about bodily autonomy here: Look out, here’s an abortion rant…

Read my most recent post here: For All the Mothers Kissing Their Children Goodbye

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