Every year, I do a post about Black History Month. A lot of people have loved it, and a lot of other people have gotten mad as hell and told me to stick to making music. Last year’s post entitled 10 things my White Friends should do for me during Black History Month became so popular that it ended up being featured on The View. That’s right, girls and boys… Whoopi Goldberg gave me props. (I can’t believe I haven’t worked that into a song somehow…yet.) Anyway, in the spirit of tradition, I give you my third annual Black History Month blog.
Black History Month is a time to acknowledge the struggles and triumphs of African Americans and our contributions to the world. In this country, we are slowly growing to learn that our cultural differences are not something that should divide us, but something that we should embrace and viciously make fun of each other about. So to celebrate this special time of the year, here are 10 things that my White friends better not discuss with anybody, AT ALL, during the month of February:
- Don’t remind people that President Obama is biracial. Look, White homey. If he’s partially Black, that makes him Black. We didn’t make the rules. So, ya know… shut up about it. WE GET IT, every other president before we Barak’ed the vote was one of your skin-folks. When you bring that up you just sound all like “Oooh look at me, I’m a White American, we had hella presidents and all you guys had was Obama and Bill Clinton.” And to be honest, these days damn near everybody is mixed. So if your great grandma was down with the swirl, then you should be celebrating this month, too. Happy Black History Month, my 2% Black brothas and sistas!
- Don’t gripe about the unfairness of Whites not being able to say the n-bomb. Seriously… Why the hell do you wanna say it anyway?!? Why? But like, for real… Whyyyyyyy? Do you think that once you say it, gin & juice will rain from the sky and Halogram Tupac will appear to christen you the Patron Saint of Thug Life? Calm the hell down, at least until the end of the month. After February you have my permission to go back to Youtube and continue anonymously saying the n-word anyway.
- Don’t mention the fact that the dude who ate the other dude’s face was Black. C’mon, man. Bath salts is a hell of a drug! I have to admit, I was shocked by that one, too. However, the canibalistic actions of one crazy mofo does not reflect on the rest of the race. (**cough, cough* “Dahmer” *cough, cough**) And besides… did we REALLY ever get confirmation that the bath salts dude WASN’T an actual zombie?
- Don’t talk to me about how so many rappers are a “bad influence.”
All I have to say is Black folks currently have no equivalent to Lindsay Lohan or Honey Boo Boo.
- Don’t remind me that White girls have asses now. Yo… I don’t have a big ass. So I don’t need to hear that hella White girls do. Black girls used to hold the crown on booties, but these days we’re sharing the throne with the Kim Kardashians of the world. I personally think half of y’all are buying your asses and the other half are sprouting booties from the hormones in milk & cheese or something. And since I’m vegan I’m just never gonna have anything more than the medium-sized bubble that I have now. And no, I don’t care if this offends you. It’s Black History Month. You shouldn’t be thinking about White asses anyway.
- Don’t share your thoughts on the latest news clip featuring a Black person that got remixed and became a Youtube sensation. Please don’t. As much as we all loved Antoine Dodson’s Bed Intruder song which currently has over 110 million views on Youtube and Sweet Brown’s Ain’t Nobody Got Time for That (Autotune Remix) which currently has over 19 million views, it STILL doesn’t change the fact that we’re all sorta having a laugh at the expense of people who had just experienced a serious tragedy. I could get all deep and pop off some of that “Blah blah blah perpetuating stereotypes & exploiting suffering” talk, but the fact of the matter is nobody cares about that. The hater in me is just sick of seeing auto-tuned versions of news clips racking up hella Youtube views. Ain’t nobody got time for that.
- Don’t bring up people who “went Black and then went back.” I’m sure Heidi Klum didn’t choose her new boo out of an overwhelming desire to go back from Black. I mean, do you feel like you just scored one for the home-team? You shouldn’t feel that way, because odds are Heidi Klum probably wouldn’t date you. Either way, keep your mouth shut about it. I don’t want you giving my White boos any ideas.
- Don’t mention Shawty Lo’s television special. At the beginning of the year, rapper Shawty Lo, who brought us musical masterpieces such as “Laffy Taffy” and “Betcha Can’t Do It Like Me” was given his own tv special. Mister Lo wanted to use television as a platform to convey the struggles of parenting in the 21st century in a program titled “All My Babies’ Mamas.” Seven of Shawty Lo’s 10 babies’ mommas (with whom he has 11 children) were slotted to appear on the show. Since the program recently got canceled due to the insane amounts of protest (and we’re no longer forced to acknowledge the fact that 11 different women thought it was a good idea to breed with Shawty Lo,) let’s just pretend it never happened. Ok? Good.
- Don’t bitch about the president being friends with a rapper. Kid Rock is totally a rapper. Not a very good rapper, but a rapper nonetheless. He was Mitt Romney’s brother-from-another-mother during his presidential campaign. All things considered, I think it’s safe to say Jay-Z has better judgement than Kid Rock. If you don’t believe me, just go ask all of the binders full of women if they agree.
- Don’t even mention the term “reverse racism” to me. First of all, the fact that you have to put the word “reverse” in front of it sorta says a lot about the origins of racism, doesn’t it? Second of all, I’m down with the swirl, I love classic rock music, and at least three of my closest friends are Caucasion guys named Matt. I have “reverse love-ism” toward White folks. So shut up. Feel free to bring up your concerns about how oppressed you are during the other 11 months of the year when nobody is talking about Black History. I’m kidding, but I’m also hella serious, in a Black girl way.
Feel free to drop a comment with your own list of demands. Tis the season!
Happy Black History Month!