Tag: muffin top

My kids don't look like me. Thank Effing God.

This is my husband.
Do you know what people think when I’m with my kids? They think I’m the F’ing nanny. I shit you not. I’m dark, they’re albino. Their eyes are the color of the ocean, mine are the color of poop. I’m short, and they’re short too. Because they’re frigging kids. I used to joke that the... Read more »

Jeans: I own like a million pairs, but I wear the same F'ing ones every day

Holy crap. Do you see the shit load of jeans I own? F'ing ridiculous.
Jeans shopping SUCKS. I bring like 4 million pairs into the fitting room, and want to slit my wrists as I cram/stuff/shoehorn my thighs into each pair. And then when I finally get them on, the fluorescent lighting makes me look like ass and the mirror adds ten pounds. To each butt cheek. So when... Read more »