ME: What is THAT?
ME: That shirt you’re wearing. When did you get THAT?
HUBBY: Duh, what does it say? 1989.
ME: Which means you were 13 when you got it.
ME: So you’ve had it for over 25 years.
HUBBY: That makes it vintage.
ME: No. That makes it time to throw it away.
HUBBY: No way.
ME: Fine, then give it away. Oh wait, you can’t. Because no one would take it.
HUBBY: Ha. Ha.
Does your hubby have shit like this too? I mean yeah, usually my husband looks fine and dresses totally normal, but every once in a while he comes down the stairs and I literally go WTF, you are not wearing THAT out in public.
So anyways, here goes. Eight things in my hubby’s closet that I would love to slip into the next donation pile but I’m not bitchy enough to do that:
These. Remember when you were wearing your favorite pair of jeans and suddenly they had a little hole in them and you were like awww shit, and then the next time you were getting ready you accidentally stepped in the hole and made it like nine times as big and you realized, damn it, now I have to throw them away? Only he never threw them away. Oh, and if you’re wondering why they’re wrinkled, no it’s not because they were stuffed in the bottom of his drawer. It’s because I had to pull them out of his hamper because they were dirty. From wearing them. Out.
Heyyy, I know, let’s design a tie that looks like an acid trip that went horribly wrong. AGGHHHH, I’m being attacked by melting volcanoes in some ugly ass colors!!! Oh no wait, I’m just looking at your tie. Can you believe there was actually a time that my hubby went into the store and bought this because he thought it looked good? Unless maybe they paid HIM to take it. Yes, that must be what happened.
Wow, that’s a cute shirt for my son. Wait, what, it’s not a shirt for a child? Oh, then it must be for Halloween. Yeah technically maybe, but my husband wears it like a regular shirt out in public when my kiddo’s wearing his Superman shirt, and I know some people are like awwww, that’s so adorable, but I’m like no. Men do not wear capes. Unless they’re one of those crazy chipper men who work at Gymboree.
Ummm, let’s just say that this morning my hubby put these classy underpants on and showed me that he has a choice about which hole to pee out of. I mean yes, who the hell WOULDN’T want a second flap that’s right next to the first one? There’s really only one person who should own these boxers. A man with two penises. But that guy’s probably a porn star and doesn’t wear underwear often. And P.S. those are my fingers, NOT two tiny penises.
No, technically he doesn’t wear this, but it’s in his closet. Did I mention that my husband is 38? Once upon a time you were under 21 so in order to look cool you had to have a giant plastic beer bottle bank in your room to show your friends that you like beer. But helllllloooo, you’re an adult now. Time to recycle the biggest beer bottle in all of history.
So my friend just walked by my computer and said those are funny baby socks. I’m like those aren’t baby socks, those are my husband’s socks. And he wears them. And who the F buys TWO pair of Alcatraz socks? Wouldn’t it be ironic if the fashion police arrested him and he was wearing penitentiary socks in jail?
I mean yes I know this is under your shirt and no one really sees it, but seriously, you want THAT touching your skin? You’re going to get armpitdiseasia. Plus, someone does see it. MEEEEEEEE.
Okay, dads, listen up. There is only one Mom in your house, and she is the one who bore your children, so it’s time to get rid of anything from your college years that says “Mom,” like this twenty-year-old laundry bag. Unless of course you are 40 and living with your mom, in which case if she’s letting you stay under her roof you better be doing HER F’ing laundry now. And BTW, I did not pull this out of his closet. It was literally sitting here like this next to his hamper.
And last but not least, THIS. I know, men get super attached to their t-shirts. I get it. Wait, no I don’t. But whatever. You don’t have to throw out your butt-fugly pit-stained mementos. Just don’t wear them anymore. And only wearing them at home is not an acceptable compromise because the people you love most in the whole world probably live with you, and do you really want to inflict pain on their eyeballs?
So there you go. And this isn’t even the worst of it because there’s alllllll this shit that he keeps at his mom’s house too. Probably because he’s worried that if he keeps it at home, one day I’m going to get drunk or something and throw it all out. Anyways, does your husband wear anything that you’d like to burn in a giant bonfire? If you want, feel free to share it on my Facebook page. Misery loves company and I’d love to know I’m not alone.
P.S. If you know someone who thinks their ass is too big*, get them something for the holidays that’ll make them laugh their ass off. My book!!!
*And please tell them their ass isn’t too big. Well, if they ask. Because if they don’t ask and you just randomly say, “Your ass isn’t too big” out of the blue, they are totally going to think their ass is too big.
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